Sexist Buffoon

Last week an ex-girlfriend girl rang me.

It's been a good ten years since our brief affair, but I have never forgotten the amazing sex and wonderful times we had together. I have to admit, I got really turned on, when out of the blue, she suggested having another no-strings fling.

Once I'd got over the shock I was man enough to say:

"I hope you realize, I'm not the man I once was, I've gained a few pounds, I've got a slight bald patch and occasionally have to wear incontinence pads."

She giggled girlishly, and said:

"Don't worry, I've put on a few pounds myself."

...So I told her, quick smart:

"F*** off! you fat cow!"

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
Cat & A Bunjee Jumping Mouse

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Bizarre Love Triangle

My Deepest Blog
Blogosphere Spat

Xango
Changing the world
one life at a time.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

The Difference Between "Potentially" & "Realistically"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him:

"Dad, what's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered:

"Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked:

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied:

"Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked:

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied:

"Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked:

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course..." the brother replied. "...do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him:

"So, did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied:

"Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a faggot."

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
Laughing Baby

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Bizarre Love Triangle

My Deepest Blog
Blogosphere Dirt

Xango
Changing the world
one life at a time.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Puntasms X 3.2

1 Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.


2 A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says:

"I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."


3 An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman shouts:

"What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
Solving Feline Obesity

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Bizarre Love Triangle

My Deepest Blog
Freak Boobs

Xango
Changing the world
one life at a time.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

The Hunter & The Mother-In-Law

I can't say that I've ever had much of a problem with "mothers-in-law" or more appropriately, the mothers of the women I was involved with...but, like blondes, they're now an established part of joke-telling.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother missing and her mother's tent and sleeping bag empty.

Rushing to her husband, she started screaming hysterically, begging him to help her find her mother.

Reluctantly, the hunter grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey and got out of bed. Sure enough, the tracks from his mother-in-law's tent were clear: human footseps, followed by a lion's.

Not a stone's throw from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large lion was advancing hungrily towards her, readying to pounce..

The wife cried:

"Do something?"

The husband took another swig on the whiskey and said:

"No way! That lion's got himself into this mess, he can get himself out."

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
The Talking Parrot

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Bizarre Love Triangle

My Deepest Blog
The Waver, The Leg Wiggler & The Fat Fairy

Xango
Changing the world
one life at a time.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Young Blonde Chick With A Cute Pussy

Yes, just what you wanted to see, I'm sure:

Young Blonde Chick With A Cute Pussy

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
George Lucas In Love

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Norman Greenbaum: Spirit In The Sky

My Deepest Blog
The Great Blog Experiment Stats 1

Xango

Absolutely
incredible!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Weirdo Improvistion

While hardly a joke, one of the not uncommon statements that a man will hear some guy say every so often is this old chestnut:

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Because they can!

Well, this next one is a weirdo (and reasonably harmless) attack-the-minority improvisation upon that:

Two:

• polish
• irish
• black
• californians
• pakistanis
  

...guys (choose your minority) are walking down the street and they see a dog licking his balls:

Guy 1: Jeez. He's lickin' his balls. I wish I could do that!


Guy 2: Are you crazy, he'd bite you!

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
Surfing Rats

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Norman Greenbaum: Spirit In The Sky

My Deepest Blog
But Why Sunglasses?


Xango

Absolutely
incredible!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

The Bodybuilder's Seduction Routine

A bodybuilding champion meets a cute looking girl at a bar and after they've had a few drinks, she agrees to go back to his place. As they enter the apartment, he clicks his remote and the boom-boom-boom sound system comes on, filling his black leather and stainless steel sitting room with funky, orgasmic dance music. He rips his shirt open and says:

"There's a bodybuilding show on baby, for an audience of one...and you've got front row seats."

He shimmies & shakes, pouting & preening to the pulsating "ooh-aah" funky music. Then he swaggers up to her and flexes his muscular arms:

"...Drool, baby, drool. You're watching 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She starts to move to him but he motions for her to keep her distance, still gyrating seductively. He turns and wiggles his ass in her face, slowly dropping his pants, then spins round, striking another bodybuilding pose, slowly thrusting his pelvis at her.

He smiles smugly at her and indicating his bulging legs, says:

"See them, baby? That's another 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She's hot to trot..but he starts to tease her, bumping and grinding some more, wiggling his ass some more, slowly taking off his underpants...and I mean, slowly!

Fifteen minutes later, just as he's finishing his bodybuilding / stripper routine, he finally rips them off and just as suddenly, she grabs her purse, running for the door.

He leaps in front of her, demanding:

"Baby, what's the hurry? We're just about to make sweet muscly love..."

She replies:

"You might be...but I'm outta here! With 2000 pounds of dynamite & a short fuse like that...any fool can see that you're gonna blow real soon!"

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
Comedy Sketch Writing 101
a lovely English comedy sketch deconstructed by me


Andrew Goulding Articles:
Welcome Back Colleen
written a few days after my mother's death

My Deepest Blog
But Why Sunglasses?

Xango
The drink that changed my life.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Genealogy Nightmare

This isn't so much a joke as a maze of a family tree...that actually makes sense from a logical perspective...though, of course, it's really utter nonsense.


I married a widow who had a young daughter.

My father then took a shine to her and ended up marrying my daughter, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is now my mother and my wife is my grandmother.

Things got worse when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he's my uncle.

But it all got even worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother, is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

My Deepest Blog
Spread The Love 2
(5 things not to blog about...very funny)

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
Birth

Andrew Goulding Articles
Who Put The "Urkk" in "Mavis Urkk?"

Xango
The drink that changed my life.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Signs I'd Like To See

Some of my favorite imaginary signs:


1 Over a gynecologist’s office:

Dr. Jim Fingers, at your cervix.

2 On a maternity room door:

Push. Push. Push.

3 In a veterinarian’s waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit!
Stay!

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

My Deepest Blog:
Ripped Off By "House"


Andrew Goulding Youtube:
A Pregnancy In 20 Seconds


Andrew Goulding Articles
Who Put The "Mavis" In "Mavis Urkk"


Xango

It's changed my life.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

The Preacher & The Potty-mouthed Man

A preacher is shaking the hands of his parishioners after church one Sunday, when he sees a new face. The man, a big guy in cowboy boots and a Stetson grabs and shakes the preachers hand warmly:

"Preacher, I’ll gotta tell you, that was a friggin' great sermon. I crapped myself laughing in that mother-f***in' story about Noah!"

The preacher says:

"Well thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity in the House of the Lord"

The man ignores him and continues shaking the preacher's hand vigorously:

"Anyways, I was so f***ing impressed with that bad-ass sermon I put ten thousand dollars in that crappy tin offering plate of yours!"

The preacher says:

"No shit?"

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
The Chicken Police


Andrew Goulding Articles:
Who Put The "Mavis" In "Mavis Urkk"?


Xango

Try it, you'll like it!

Reincarnation

Two dear old friends, Abner and Fred, had many conversations through their life about death and what they thought Heaven would be like. They made an agreement that whichever of them died first would make every effort to make contact with the one that was still living and tell them what Heaven was like.

Well, Fred was the first to pass away and about a year later, Abner was truly missing his dear friend. One day, when he was once more immersed in grief, the phone rang...and when he answered it, he heard a familiar voice on the line.

Abner said:

"Fred, is that you?"

"Yes it is my old friend, yes it is."

Abner was overjoyed, and said:

"So, tell me dear friend, what is it like where you are?"

Fred said:

"This is wonderful. You wouldn’t believe what I am experiencing now. The most plentiful food and lushest fields you have ever seen, I sleep in late, have a long luxurious breakfast, and then I go and make love.

If it's a nice day I go out in the fields and make love some more. I come in and have a long lunch, then I go out into the fields again and make love all afternoon and retire early in the evening.”

Abner responded:

"Heaven sounds so amazing!"

Fred immediately replied:

Heaven? Who said anything about heaven? I’m a rabbit in Minnesota!"

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Andrew Goulding Articles 1
-v-
Crappy World 0

Andrew Goulding Youtube:
O.K. Go X 4

My Deepest Blog:
Tearaway Ted
-v-
Madame X



Xango

I'd love to turn you on!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Puntasms X 3.1

1 Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says:

"I think I’ve lost one of my electrons."

The other says:

"Are you sure?"

The first replies:

"Yeah, I’m positive."



2 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



3 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Rock'n'Roll Band Names


Andrew Goulding Youtube:
Fat Boy On A Diving Board


My Deepest Blog:
Tearaway Ted -v- Madame X



Xango

It really has changed my life!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Son Of A Beech Or Son Of A Birch?

This joke has the honor of being the first in the category for "Plants". Hmmm.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them and the beech says to the birch:

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says she cannot tell. They argue all afternoon whether it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says:

"Hey Woody, you're a tree expert. Can you end this argument and tell us if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker into."

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Joe Cool & the Ice Cubes

AG Youtube:
Ben Takes A Photo Of Himself Every Day


My Deepest Blog:
Police Revenue Raiser


Xango

It really has changed my life!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

The Drunk Driver

A cop sees a car coming round a corner, weaving dangerously all over the road...and then a body falls out. It's a middle-aged woman. The cop immediately puts on his siren and pulls the driver over:

"Where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub" slurs the driver, who's obviously seriously drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "...it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did alright." the drunk says with a smile and a wink.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens!" says the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

Andrew Goulding Articles:
Joe Cool & the Ice Cubes

AG Youtube:
The Matrix Ping Pong

My Deepest Blog:
Creepy Pick-up Lines

Xango

The Gin & Tonic of Living
compared to the Diet Coke of Life.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Cling Film Weirdo

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says:

"Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

Today In The World Of
Andrew Goulding:

ADG Youtube
The Tiddybear: ridiculous info-commercial

ADG Articles:
Philosophical article on "Scale"


and of course,

Xango

Middle aged?
Xango makes me feel 10 years younger.

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Rooster Wars

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says:

"OK old guy, time for you to retire."


The old rooster replies:

"Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says:


"Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over."


The old rooster says:


"I tell you what. I'll race you once around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the gals. Whoever loses hits the road."


The young rooster laughs and says:


"You don't stand a chance!"

"Granted" says the old rooster. "So, just to be fair, give me a 15 second head start."

"O.K....but it's still not going to help you!"

The old rooster brushes the youngster's derision aside and takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

By the time they round the front porch of the farmhouse, the young rooster has closed the gap to just a few seconds and the old rooster is looking over his shoulder, terrified. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and...

BOOM!

...he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says:


"Darn. That's the third gay rooster I bought me this month!"

Xango

1,000 years of Folk Medicine...
...in a bottle

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

The Meaning Of The Verb "To Love"

Warning: Not for The Romantics.

I first heard this joke from a TV director acquaintance of mine. I still see his face, that of a man who could never be happy. This joke must be why.

A middle-aged husband and wife are sitting at the dining table after breakfast. He's immersed in the newspaper and she's crying silently. Noticing that he's paying her no attention she sniffs a little louder.

No Reaction.

So, she cries softly but audibly, slyly checking for a reaction occasionally. Again, no reaction. Frustrated, she starts bawling her eyes out. He turns the page and quizzically looks up:

"What's the matter, sweetie?"

...he says.

"Nothing..."

she replies. He says:

"Darling, I've know you for 34 years, 7 months...12 days...16 hours...and 48 minutes. Now come on, something's up."

"No, nothing!"

she repeats. He shrugs and starts to go back to his paper. Seeing that she hasn't got the reaction she wanted, she blurts out:

"Well..." she starts, as he benignly gives her his full attention..."It's just that you never say that you love me anymore."

He smiles to himself but tries to be serious and says:

"You're not happy?"

She looks pleadingly into his eyes and says:

"I just need to hear you say those words..."

He reaches up, strokes her cheek and brushes away a little tear, saying:

"...Darling, it all depends on your definition of 'Love'. If it means: You fat, stupid, ugly bitch, you ruined my life, then, yes, I do love you."

...and coldly goes back to his paper.

The Pushy Lawyer & The Clever, Beautiful Girl

I'm no feminist...but I do hate yuppies!

A slimy Yuppie lawyer is on a flight from LA to NY. As luck would have it, a really beautiful girl sits down next to him and settles in. As soon as he can grab her eye he asks her:

"Hey, we've got a few hours together, would like to play this way-cool game. My friends and I are like, so, into it."

She, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying:

"It's really easy and lots of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice-versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says:

"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you 500 big ones, cash!"

This catches her attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The girl doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. He takes the money, smiles smugly and goes:

"Okay, your turn."

She ponders for a minute and says:

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, can't work it out. He takes out his laptop computer, searches all his references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net, then the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer. By this time she's gone back to sleep. Still being frustrated at every turn, the lawyer e-mails all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes her and hands her the $500. She says:

"Thank you."

and turns back immediately to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who's more than a little miffed, pokes her rudely and asks:

"Well, lady, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the beautiful girl reaches into her purse, hands him another $5 and goes back to sleep.

Xango

1,000 years of Folk Medicine that works...
...in a bottle

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Goulding's Classifieds 1

For Sale:
Air guitar, hardly used.


For Sale:
3 Cheetahs, a champion greyhound and my hairline...going fast!


FREE to confirmed masochist:
My ex-wife.


FREE to good home:
49 year old dirty old perverted handyman. Will DO anything.


Wanted:
Woman for ongoing love affair who doesn't suck the life out of me.

Xango

Keeps you dancing all night!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Short, Sweet & Weird

A wonderful trio for your delectation

Short

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other:

"How do you drive this thing?"


Sweet

A man jumped into a vat of carbonated water. He wasn't badly injured but he spent several months having fizzy-o.

Weird

I knew this gay guy who was so repressed he didn't come out until he was buried in a pink coffin.

Xango

$4 a day to feel great!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

The Farmer & The Pig

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is laying on the bed. The farmer says:

"This is the pig I've been having sex with."

His wife looks at him with disgust and says:

"You moron, that's not a pig. That's a sheep!"

The farmer looks at his wife and says

"I wasn't talking to you!"

Xango

va-va-voom in a bottle!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Man In A Bar 1

A man walks into a bar, sits down, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a miniature piano and sets it down. He then reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a miniature man who sits down at the miniature piano and starts playing it.

The bartender, amazed, walks up to the man and asks him where he got the miniature piano player. So the guy reaches into his pocket again and pulls a genie lamp

"You want wants a rub?"

...the man asks the bartender with a world-weary sigh.

Still amazed, but more than a little skeptical, the bartender takes the lamp, rubs it...and lo and behold, a genie pops out:

"Oh Keeper of the Lamp, what is your wish?"

Taken aback, the bartender cries:

"I want a million bucks!"

Suddenly there is a terrible cacophony and the bar is filled with...a million...ducks.

The guy looks at the bartender and says:

"You think I asked for a 12 inch...pianist?"

Xango

changing lives,
one person at a time!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

An Englishman, A Scotsman & An Irishman

A classic set-up with a fairly decent punch-line. Boom-boom.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting at a bar. The Englishman takes a drink and says:

"I walked into my daughter's room today and found a half-empty bottle of vodka... I didn't even know she drank!"

The Scotsman takes a drink and says:

"Well, that's nothing, I walked into my daughter's room and found a half-empty pack of cigarettes... I didn't even know she smoked!"

The Irishman takes a drink and says:

"Oh, that's nothing, I walked into my daughter's room today and found a half-empty box of comdoms...I didn't even know she was a boy!"

Xango

changing lives one person at a time!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville

Australia

Exercises For Senior Citizens

Staying fit is important,

especially as we get older.

Everybody knows how important it is to exercise as we grow older. Here are a few of my easy suggestions:

I started by standing in the garden, rain hail or shine and, with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can, at least 30 seconds, though...and increase that time incrementally.

After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 20 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 50 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

Xango

I spend $4 a day...
...and save $5 on coffee & junk!

Andrew Goulding

Gwynneville,


Australia