The Singles Ad.

The Singles Ad.

I spotted this little beauty, The Singles Ad, the other day and it really tickled my fancy. Mind you, I have to admit, I've often wondered what was in the minds of singles ads' writers. This is the proof.

Andrew Goulding

I've Been Ordered To Have Sex With Both Of You, Now!

This is one of those jokes that may even have evolved from a real-life situation. I've tried to keep the American-speak as true to the original as possible to maintain the atmosphere:

So Joe drives to his friend Mike's place to pick him up for a game of tennis. Now, Mike's a good looking guy but he's the runt of the family. His two sisters, Emily and Jane are Hot El Supremo! And what do ya know, Emily and Jane are visiting. So, Joe arrives and Mike is running around like a maniac with his shirt half on, looking everywhere for his racket.

Mike opens the door and immediately ducks off, calling out:

"...Sorry, Dude. My sisters are here and they've been hogging the bathroom bein' girlie, they've moved everything around...I don't know where my racket is. Can you go upstairs and grab my shoes for me? They're in my closet...I think..."

Joe thinks to himself:

"Sure, if you want me to meet'n'greet those lovely laydeeeez, I'll do whatever you like."

So, up the stairs he goes. He walks into Mike's room and what should he see but Emily and Jane, lounging around, half-naked, wrapped only in a towel each.

The moment they see him they shriek but he immediately calms them down, as a a crafty idea hatches in his devious mind.

"Laydeeez, laydeeez, there's no need to panic. I'm Joe, Mike's best friend. He says you're driving him mad with all your girlie stuff and I've been ordered to have sex with both of you, now, to calm you down!"

Irate, fiery Emily snaps at Joe:

"He would never..."

Joe holds up his palm and interrupts her.

"No, really, I'll prove it..."

So he shouts from the bedroom

"Mike, both of them?"

Mike calls back:

"Yeah, sorry they're a bit smelly but they feel really great when you slip into 'em..."

The girls look at each other with increasing horror as Mike continues:

"And I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to play with YOUR balls, this time."

Andrew Goulding

Small Boobs, A Small Doodle & A Small Boy

Here's a very conventional-but-naughty joke which may appeal to some of you. I like it but be warned, it's dumb!

One sunny day, a slightly-bored-with-his frumpish-wife man takes his wife and their 6-year old son to a nudist beach. The two parents disrobe, the husband walks off down the beach and the mother plonks down on the sand, while the little boy runs down to the shore.

He can't help notice, however, that many of the women have way bigger boobs than his mother's, so he goes back and asks:

"Mommy, how come those ladies' boobs are bigger than yours. Yours look like pink peanuts and..."

The mother butts in, embarrassed and says:

"Darling, the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is. That's why Daddy loves me, because I'm so smart and those other ladies are so dumb."

Pleased with the answer, the little boy goes to play in the ocean but soon returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger doodles than his dad does.

She replies:

"That's because, the bigger the doodle is, the dumber the man is. That's why you and Daddy are so smart."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again. His mother asks:

"Darling, have you seen Daddy?"

To which the little boy replies:

"Oh yes, Daddy is talking to the dumbest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

The Hooker & The Cop

A cop decides to amuse himself by arresting one hooker in a line of twenty on the street. He pulls up, and says:

"...Excuse me, ma'm, I'm going to have to arrest you for soliciting in a public place...."

She yells:

"...What the f*** is wrong with you?..."

He says:

"...I just saw you approach a passing car and say you'd perform sexual intercourse for $20..."

She screams at him:

"...You f***ing asshole! I wasn't selling sex, I was selling condoms with a free demo..."

Andrew Goulding

Slightly Sexist Asian Jokes

I received these jokes from an Asian source and had to rework them a little. However, it was interesting to note that the same dreadful miscommunication between the sexes exists around the world.

A foolish man tells his wife to stop talking so much but a wise man tells her that she looks exquisite when her lips are closed.

Q : When do you congratulate someone for their terrible misfortune?

A: When they get married.

The three fastest means of communication known to Man are:

1. Tele-phone

2. Tele-vision

3. Tell a woman. N.B.: If you need the process to speed up, tell her not to tell anyone.

Andrew Goulding

The Horny Old Senior Citizen

An eighty-year-old senior citizen was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, the doctor said several times:

"Oh-oh!"

With some consternation, the old guy asked the doctor:

"What's the problem, doc?"

"Well..."

...said the doc...

"...You have a serious heart murmur. That's not good. Do you smoke?"

"No..."

...replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No..."

...replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Well, yes, I do!"

"I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up...oh, half your sex life."

Looking terribly disturbed, the distraught senior citizen moaned:

"Which half...the looking or the remembering?"

Andrew Goulding

Tom Jones Syndrome, Alzheimers Joe & A Birthday Observation

"...Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home."

"Hmmm, that sounds like the Sixties pop music disease, Tom Jones Syndrome."

" Oh my god, is it common?"

"...Well, It’s Not Unusual..."

A doctor says to Joe, his very senior citizen patient:

"I'm afraid that I have some very have bad news..."

Joe says:

"Yes doctor?"

The doctor continues, seriously:

"Joe, you have cancer...and Alzheimer's."

The old guy breathes a sigh of relief:

"Whew... well at least I don't have cancer!"

You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.

Andrew Goulding

A Helpful Drunk, Pointilism & Potato Politics

A drunk came across a man doing 'press-ups' in the park. Staring at the man for a few minutes, the drunk said:

"Excuse me, hik..., I think someone has stolen your girlfriend!"


Q: What is the best distance between two points?
A: Cleavage!


Q. What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A. A Dic-tator

Andrew Goulding