Two Cigarettes Walk Into A Bar

Two tough-guy cigarettes, Mr. Marlboro and Mr. Camel, walk into a bar.

Mr. Marlboro starts bragging about how tough he is and how he could trash any other cigarette in a fight. There aren't any other cigarettes in the bar so Mr. Camel just lets it ride and they settle down for a few drinks.

However, after putting up with Mr. Marlboro's constant bragging, Mr. Camel starts going crazy. Suddenly the sophisticated Mr. Kool saunters in with a distinct air of menace about him.Kool's a cold-hearted killer, no doubt about it.

"O.K. Mr. Tough Guy..."

...says Mr. Camel,

"..let's see you put Mr. Kool in his place. Ten bucks says you won't even have the courage to pick a fight."

When there's no answer, Mr. Camel turns round to find Mr. Marlboro hiding under the table.

"Well?"

...says Mr. Camel.

"Are you or are you not going to take him on?"

Mr. Marlboro whimpers back:

"Are you mad? Do you think I have a suicide wish? That's Mr. Kool, he's f***in' menthol!"

Andrew Goulding

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Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Andrew Goulding

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A Woman With 3 Breasts

Looking at the web stats for my video blog, I discovered that some little pervert had entered via the search term:

woman with 3 breasts

Of course, that sent me on an immediate hunt to find proof that such a lady exists (for the little sleaze bucket's delectation*, of course, not mine!)

Anyway, here it is, a woman with 3 boobs.

Wondrous, yes?

A Woman With 3 Breasts

Photoshop? What's that?

I shall now go looking for a three-handed man!




* Should that be de-lactation?

Andrew Goulding

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Obama's Biggest Supporter

I try not to get involved in the dreary world of politics but you've got to admit, this Obama supporter has kept abreast of things and does raise a couple of good points.

N.B.: Click on these freak boobs to make them even bigger!

see also: Is John McCain Sarah Palin's Bitch?

Andrew Goulding

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She Needs A Strong Pole To Swing On

Yes, this pole dancer certainly needs a strong pole to swing on.

She Needs A Strong Pole To Swing On

N.B.: Click on the picture to see it even bigger!

Actually, the photo was found over at The Chutkule, another humor blog. Do check it out!

Andrew Goulding

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Ha Ha: See a fat guy struggling to get on a horse!

Getting Your Wife To Do It, Doggy Style

Two guys were walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping. The first guy said:

"I wonder how much booze it would take to get my wife to do it that way."

The second guy said:

"Oh, my wife would have to be filled to the gills, she's a real lady!"

So, they made a pact to try to seduce their wives and give it to them, doggy style. After a week they met up again.

"Well, did she do it?"

...asked the second guy.

"Oooh yeah! N-i-c-e!"

said the first, then howling like a happy hound.

"But how much liquor did it take?"

...asked the second.

"A whole bottle of Jim Beam, s-t-r-a-i-g-h-t but it was really worth it!"

replied the first guy.

"You win..."

said the second guy.

"...It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard..."

Andrew Goulding

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You Can't Say "Dick" Here

I don't know if this a joke or just a slice of real Life. Anyway, it's reasonably amusing:

An 86 year old man walks into a crowded waiting room and approaches the desk. The over-important middle-aged, female receptionist says:

Yes sir and what will you be wanting to see the Doctor about, today?

The old man says:

There's something wrong with my dick!

Shocked, the receptionist says:

You can't come into professional waiting rooms and say crude things like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.

...he says. The receptionist replies:

You should be ashamed of yourself. People might hear you and you might cause some terrible embarrassment in this room full of good people.

You should have said there is something wrong with...your ear...or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.

The old man replies:

Well, you shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

He walks out, frustrated, then has a cigarette to calm down and re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and enquires:

Yes?

The man says:

There's something wrong with my...ear.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiles, acknowledging that he's taken her advice.

And what's wrong with your 'ear', sir?

He replies:

I can't piss out of it!

Andrew Goulding

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3 Stand-up Comedian Quips

I wish I had a 12 inch dick....instead of this HUGE fuckin' thing!


I was wondering... were you born this stupid or were you perhaps hit by lightning?


Q: How do you get out of San Francisco?
A: Go straight!

Andrew Goulding

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Is Robert Allwing the worst talent show audition, ever?

3 Very Silly Dyslexic Jokes

Q: What did the dyslexic wannabe pimp buy?
A: A Warehouse.


Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.


Q: Why was the dyslexic thrown out of the piano bar?
A: He kept spitting in the TIPS jar.

Andrew Goulding

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3 Quickies For The Girls

I often don't "get" girls' jokes but these were all from women, so I'll share them.

Traffic Policeman: When I saw you coming round that bend, I thought - hmm, forty-five at least!
Woman motorist: Well, I always look older in this hat!

Q: What did Britney's right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they've never been together!


Q; What did one tampon say to another tampon?
A: Nothing, they were stuck up bitches!

Andrew Goulding

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Kinky Sex

A successful but infantile businessman, who's perpetually horny, returns home from a week away and as soon as he walks in the front door, begins ripping the clothes off his wife. He then stops abruptly and blurts out:

"We've done just about every kinky, perverted, disgusting sex act known to Man and beast through this marriage and it's been great but there's one thing I've always been too embarrassed to suggest. You've got to let me do it or I'll go mad!"

His wife, who knows that the only way she can hold onto him (and continue her lavish lifestyle) is to give in to his perverted wishes, begs:

"Tell me baby, you know I'll do whatever you want!"

"It's a bit weird..."

he says

"Give. I'm yours, you know that."

...she replies, so he says:

"I've been away for a week and I want to blow my big load deep into your ear!"

The wife can't control her stunned reaction and blurts out:

"Ugh! That's gross...I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies:

"You selfish f*uckin' bitch! I've been coming in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still talking aren't you?"

Andrew Goulding

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His Very Last Wishes

A wealthy man nearing the end of his life pondered upon his riches and realized that his greed was too strong to let it all go. He turned to his ever-faithful wife and said:

"Bury me with my money. It's mine, I've earned it. I want it buried with me in the ground."

She agrees to his selfish pharaoh-like request and six months down the line, he man dies.

His dutiful wife, agrees to carry out his every one of his final requests, including the one about money, much to the dismay of her best friend, who has long witnessed the wife playing second fiddle to the man's greed.

At the funeral home, the friend blurts out:

"Surely you don't intend to bury him with all the money! Tell me that's not so, please!"

The devoted wife turns to her friend and calmly replies:

"My dear, dear friend, you know me. I'm a good Christian woman, I gave my husband my word, so I must, I must keep my promise.

He spent every second of his god forsaken life trying to get that fortune, so, as far as I'm concerned, he can have it. I wasn't important, our children weren't important, just his precious, precious money."

"But all that cash..."

says her friend. The wife smiles at her, gently and says:

"No, no, no, don't get me wrong. I thought it was wise to just write him a check!"

Andrew Goulding

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An Understanding Wife

A man comes home from a session at the psychiatrist to find one of his mates in bed returns with his wife. He storms into the kitchen, takes a knife out of the drawer, and stabs his mate to death.

The man's wife turns round and says:

"Look, you're nuts. If you keep going on like this you'll have no friends left!"

Andrew Goulding

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Grow Your Breasts With Toilet Paper

I'd like to apologize beforehand for this joke. It's mean but I do think it's funny, so please don't get too serious about it.

A young couple, not long married and a bit dissatisfied with what marriage actually means are spending a lazy Saturday morning together. He's reading the morning paper and she's having a shower. When she finishes, she stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, weighing up her boobs, both individually and together. She asks him:

"Do you think my boobs are too small?"

Instead of characteristically telling her that it's not so while continuing to read his paper, the husband uncharacteristically looks up and suggests:

"I was just reading that if women want their breasts to grow, I mean really big, they should take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between their breasts for a few seconds e-v-e-r-y day"

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"And how long is this toilet-paper-boob-job supposed to take?"

she asks.

"Well, it's not immediate! According to the article, it should just take a couple of years but you may well see results within six months, they reckon."

The wife stops and looks at him quizically.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my boobs once a day will make them grow bigger in six months?"

"Well, I don't see why it shouldn't. It seems to have worked spectacularly for your ass, hasn't it?"

Andrew Goulding

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Smart-ass Drunk In A Brothel

A drunken fellow walks into a brothel on a Friday night after consuming a few too many beers. He slowly notices that the establishment masquerades as a restaurant and that a few guys are sitting alone at each table, while the "waitresses" bring them drinks. A couple are eating what looks like badly made rolls.

He sits down at a table and peruses the 'menu'...

Beef Sandwiches: $5

Finger Food: $20

A Tasty Mouthful: $50

All You Can Eat: $100

A La Carte: $250


He calls over one particularly attractive "waitress" and asks her:

"I've seen the beef rolls but what's the er...'finger food'?"

She mimes masturbating him. Suddenly the penny drops and he begins to understand the menu. He asks:

"A Tasty Morsel?"

She mimes performing oral sex on him. He's enjoying her explanations!

"All You Can Eat?"

She mimes the hand job, the oral sex and grinds her crotch into his face. He grins up at her:

"So, what's the a la carte, then?"

She turns around and grinds her ass into her face, then turns back round and says:

"Whate-v-e-r you want!"

He's still grinning from ear to ear but holds out his mostly empty wallet to her , apologetically and says:

"Are you any good at the 'finger food'?"

She smiles at him and says:

"There aren't many big spenders round here. I've been making 'finger food' all night."

He smiles back at her and says:

"Well, be a darling. Go wash your hands and make me a beef roll!"

Andrew Goulding

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The Viking Song

Occasionally, I have to share a funny post from one of my other blogs and so, today, I invite you to see The Viking Song. It's incredible, certainly not to be missed!

Andrew Goulding

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