How Not To Keep Your Baby Warm This Winter

As a busy, working parent, I can fully understand not having enough time to devote to your children but really, if they're cold this winter, don't try to warm them in the microwave.

How Not To Keep Your Baby Warm This Winter

Take it from me, they don't usually fit particularly well!

Andrew Goulding

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Golfing Lessons

A couple won his and her coupons for a FREE golf lesson in a radio competition.

They both turned up to the golf green for their first golf lesson with the resident PRO and the man took his first swing at a golf ball. The PRO watched his swing and said:

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"Well, what should I do?"

asked the man.

"Hold the club gently,"

the pro replied,

"just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The two men set off and the lesson just got better and better.

After the hour, they returned and it was the wife's turn. The PRO watched her swing and said:

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard. Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP! - the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected,"

the pro said.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

Andrew Goulding

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Finger Life: Britney Finger & Mysterious Friend

Just who was the mysterious finger spotted with pop-star Britney finger at the MTV Awards, the other day? Whoever he was, he and Britney seem v-e-r-y happy.

Finger Life: Britney Finger & Mysterious Friend


Andrew Goulding

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The Nymphomaniac At The Psychiatrist's Office

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem?"

the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh, I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see,"

he said.

"I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $200 an hour."

"Hmmm, not bad"

she replied,

"Can I shower afterwards?"

Andrew Goulding

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The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband

This young lady seems to have her priorities right, knowing exactly what she's looking for in a husband. It's somewhat astonishing that at such a young age, that she should have worked out her priorities so quickly.

The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband

I guess she understands that it's how the guy makes you feel deep inside that really counts.

Andrew Goulding

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3 Important Questions That I Need To Find Answers For

Can you cry under water?

What did cured ham actually have?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Andrew Goulding

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Shit Haircut

Y'know, don't you just hate it when your hairdresser's having a really bad day and you get home and find that you've got a really shit haircut?

Shit Haircut

Well, I suppose it's a statement!

Andrew Goulding

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The Sexy Woman Wants A Refund

A sexy young woman went to a discount store service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she had bought the toaster on special.

Suddenly, she threw her arms up in the air and started screaming:

"Oh my god! Suck my nipples, suck my nipples, you bastard!"

A small crowd quickly gathered as the young lady worked herself into a state of excitement, supplying a vivid commentary as her excitement increased.

The poor clerk ran away to get the store manager who then asked the lady what was wrong. She curtailed her excitement and explained once again that she wanted a refund for the toaster because it wouldn't work. The manager also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming:

"Jesus Christ, both of you suck my nipples, suck them hard, I'm going crazy, here. Just take one each and go for it, you asshole studs."

The crowd was growing larger. The very embarrassed store manager asked the lady why on earth she was making such an awful scene. Once more, she stopped and very demurely replied:

"Because I just have to have my nipples sucked when I am being screwed."

The crowd exploded into applause - and she got her refund.

Andrew Goulding

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Watermelon Man

You know, there's a reason that bottled water has caught on. It's because most people suspect that under every tap there could be an angry watermelon man comin' for you!

Watermelon Man



Andrew Goulding

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The New Sexy Robot Secretary

"...Seen my new secretary?..."

asked the fat, sweaty businessman.

"...Oh yeah..."

his equally fat, sweaty friend replied,

"...She's hot!..."

"...Well, she's not just hot, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan, Office Slut 7..."

N.B.:
National Geographic
reports on the then-latest Robot technology

"...Jeez, that's amazing, she looks so real! What can she do?..."

said his friend.

"...Well, if you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her, it feels better than the real thing..."

"...Insane and tax deductible as well. I love it!..."

"...Just be careful of her ass, though, I discovered it's just a pencil sharpener...."

Andrew Goulding

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African Penis Lengthening Procedures

A horny, young couple were watching a show on the National Geographic Channel about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

In the tribe, when a male reached a certain age, a string with a heavy weight would be tied around his penis and after a while, the weight would stretch the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, the wife looked down at her husband's 6 inch penis and said:

"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and heavy weight to his penis. A few hours later, the wife asked the husband:

"How's our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there..."

...he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to, what, 15 inches, already?"

...she asked excitedly. He looked at her, worried, shaking his head and said:

"No, it's turned black."

Andrew Goulding

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Naughty Bunnies # 2

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, here are some more naughty bunnies.

Naughty Bunnies # 2


Andrew Goulding

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Naughty Bunnies # 1

Naughty Bunnies # 1

Andrew Goulding

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Elite Chicken Farmer It Is

A beautiful, sexy young woman walks into an accountant's office and tells the very straight-laced accountant that she needs to file her taxes. The blushing, shy accountant says:

"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks:

"W-w-w-what's your occupation?"

"I'm a lady of the night..."

she says, without any shame, whatsoever. The accountant nervously says:

"L-l-l-let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says,

"OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. T-t-t-try again."

Says the accountant. They both think for a minute; then the woman says:

"I know, I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks:

"What d-d-d-does chicken farming have to do with - well, doing w-w-w-what you do?"

She smiles naughtily at him and purrs:

"Well, I raised almost a thousand little peckers last year..."

The accountant's face turns tomato red and he stammers:

" Uh-uh-uh Elite chicken farmer it is."

Andrew Goulding

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Scared Eggs

This picture is from the Egg Liberation Army. Pass it on and save more eggs, today!

Scared Eggs

N.B.: Checking my Clustrmap today (to your right and below), I see that Malaysia has become my first ever really big dot with over 1,000 visits since April. Thanks a million...or should that be "a thousand".

Andrew Goulding

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5 Condom Advertising Slogans

With condom sales booming, often promoted by steamy ads and brand names such as "EXCITE", these are the top 5 condom slogans that I'd really like to see:

1. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. She won't get sick if you cover your dick
4. Shield your stump before you hump
5. Don't be silly, protect your willy
   

Humorous article:
Why Do Gay Haters Oppose Gay Marriage?


You must see this video:
Man-made Spider Machine

Andrew Goulding

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Nerd Finger

For those of you who may be accused by others that you're spending too much time on your computer, there is now an easy test to see whether you really are.

Just tun your palms up and check whether one (or all) of your fingers have evolved into nerd fingers.

Finger Life: Nerd Finger


Andrew Goulding


see a wonderful FACEBOOK satire comedy sketch

Little & Large At The Nudist Camp

Two good friends, known for years, affectionately as Little & Large decided to join a nudist camp to meet some ladies as they had lately been striking out too often. Little was 5' 6" tall, and Large was 6'6" tall.

Unfortunately Little & Large were asked to leave the club just a few hours after joining as Little was always sticking his nose in other peoples' business and Large was always sticking his business in other peoples noses!

Andrew Goulding

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Smoking Sleeping Beauty

Who can say that a beautiful blonde doesn't look good smoking a cigarette. I think she looks sophisticated and very sexy.

Smoking Sleeping Beauty

Mind you, there's a part of me that wonders whether she's really just an a**hole, deep down.

Andrew Goulding

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Finger Life: The Finger That Committed Suicide

It happens:

Yes, sometimes Life gets too hard to handle, even for fingers. This poor finger committed suicide but the good news is that there are seven others and two thumbs to carry on, not to mention 10 toes!

Finger Life: The Finger That Committed Suicide

Andrew Goulding

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Newsworthy Love Making

Two guys, Bill and Doug were having a beer watching the LIVE football at the neighborhood bar but Doug was hardly drinking and pretty disinterested in the game. Bill asked:

"What's the matter? You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

asked Bill.

"Well, because it's always brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Andrew Goulding

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Their Milkman Is An Elephant

You just know that their milkman had to be an elephant!

Their Milkman Is An Elephant

Andrew Goulding

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Showbiz Explained

Two guys start talking in a pub. They talk about Life & Love and eventually get around to Employment. The first one says:

"I've got a crap job. I have to wash elephants for the circus and the bloody pachydermata (fancy name for elephants) keep pissing on me."

His friend says:

"Why don't you get another job?"

The first guy looks horrified and replies:

"Oh, I could never give up showbiz."

Andrew Goulding

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A Cool anti-smoking Ad

It must be a thankless job trying to discourage people from smoking but for those of us not caught up in nicotine addiction, it's easier to look at the well-meaning propoganda purely as advertising. That being said, this bus advertisement has to be my favorite anti-smoking ad, ever.

Puff on that!

A Cool Anti-smoking Ad



Andrew Goulding

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see also: John McCain Spammed Me

Orange About To Commit Suicide

Be honest, have you ever considered how many oranges have laid down their lives for you?

Orange About To Commit Suicide


Andrew Goulding

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The Horny Old Couple

A happy couple had been married for 50 years and still had stars in their eyes for each other. Now retired, they were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says:

"...Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this same breakfast table together..."

The husband replies:

"...Except we were probably naked as jaybirds, just gittin' some sustenance before we went straight back to bed..."

'...Well..."

Granny snickered.

"...Let's relive them old times..."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table, somehow a little shy by their nakedness.

"...You know, honey...'

the little old lady breathlessly purred:

"...My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago..."

"...I wouldn't be surprised..."

replied Gramps.

"...One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal..."

Andrew Goulding

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Botanical World Rejoices: New Tree Found

Apparently the scientific world is today rejoicing with the official naming of this new tree, discovered deep in the Amazon.

It has been named Andrew Gouldingus-on-a-cold-day-us obvious...and so far, has only thrived near the Melissa Theuriau bush but scientists are investigating whether spreading it's seed in the Victoria's Secret plantation will have similar results.

Dick Tree

Andrew Goulding

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