Oh my God! Everyone's putting on weight these days, even giraffes!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
In With The Dings And Out With The Dongs.
This is an old joke and I'm not sure if I even find it funny but I do like the idea! It's perhaps a little more successful if you give the grandmother a quaint ethnic (Irish / Scottish?) accent.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Sheryl went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained:
"He had a heart attack during our Sunday morning shagging."
Horrified Sheryl suggested that at the age of 94, such activity was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no, he plonked me every Sunday morning for 78 years, in time with the local church bells.
He'd go in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused, and wiped away a tear, more than a little angry.
"If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!"
"He had a heart attack during our Sunday morning shagging."
Horrified Sheryl suggested that at the age of 94, such activity was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no, he plonked me every Sunday morning for 78 years, in time with the local church bells.
He'd go in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused, and wiped away a tear, more than a little angry.
"If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Rejected Puma Ad
Every year, sporting manufacturers like NIKE and Adidas spend millions promotinng their corporate brand image around the world. What I'd never considered is that some campaigns get rejected for some reason or other.
Here's a PUMA ad that never saw the light of day. Blow me down, I can't think why.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And Then The Fight Started # 2
My wife asked me if her red dress made her butt look big. I told her that it did but not as much as when her clothes were off...and then the fight started...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
We Don't Serve Drug Taking Tigers
Warning:
Extremely Dangerous pun-chline:
A tiger walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says:
"I'm sorry, we don't serve tigers here."
From the end of the bar, an angry floozy shouts out:
"Hey you in the stripey suit, piss off!"
The tiger looks at her and growled savagely. The bartender says:
"I'm sorry, we don't serve tigers here."
From the end of the bar, an angry floozy shouts out:
"Hey you in the stripey suit, piss off!"
The tiger looks at her and growled savagely. The bartender says:
"Listen, it's a policy here that we don't serve tigers and we certainly don't serve angry tigers. Now, please go."
Then the woman shouts out:
"Tigers are losers. Lions are way better!"
Then the woman shouts out:
"Tigers are losers. Lions are way better!"
The tiger starts to get really angry and says:
"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm gonna eat that silly old cow at the end of the bar."
"Just you try it, Jungle Jim, I'll sort you out!"
shouts the woman at the tiger, waving her fists at him and half falling over in the process. The bartender still refuses to serve the tiger a beer, so the tiger sleeks over, pounces and bites the woman's head off. After he's consumed the rest of her body, he returns to the bartender and says:
"See, I told you I would eat her, now give me a beer - or I'll eat you!"
The bartender shakes his head and says:
"I'm sorry, Mr. Tiger, I told you, we don't serve tigers, we don't serve angry tigers and we certainly don't serve angry tigers on drugs!"
Flabbergasted, the tiger asks:
"What do you mean on drugs, for God's sake?"
The bartender appeals for support from the other customers, saying :
"Well,we all saw you, you can't deny it. That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!"
Thursday, January 22, 2009
My Ex-wife's Handbag
While on holiday in Thailand, I purchased this handbag for my ex-wife. I may not have been the prince that she always wanted but on the other hand, after the alcohol wore off, she was, to me, always an ugly toad.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
And Then The Fight Started # 1
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our fifth anniversary. She said:
"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds...."
...so, I bought her a scale - and then the fight started!
"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds...."
...so, I bought her a scale - and then the fight started!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
My New Girlfriend
Friday, January 16, 2009
Too Drunk To Think
A man is sitting at the bar, smiling to himself for no particular reason after a shit load of drinks and sensibly decides that he's had enough to drink and should really be making his way home.
He gets out of his chair and "BAM!" falls flat on his face. The man thinks:
"I must be really wasted..."
and tries one more time to get up... but once again, he falls flat on his face. He says:
"Fuck it, I'll just crawl home."
Shit-faced drunk, the man crawls all the way home.
The next morning his wife wakes up from a vaguely disturbing dream that ends with the phone ringing and the sound of an angry rhino charging towards him. He opens his eyes in terror to see his wife standing over him, yelling:
"I know you went out drinking last night! You said you were going to the library!"
The hungover man manages to mumble:
"How could you possibly say that?"
The wife screams:
"Because the pub just called, you lying shit! You've left your f***ing wheelchair at the bar again!"
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Vulnerable Supergirl
Aha! Every superhero has his (or her) Achilles heel and if Superman's is Kryptonite, my guess is that Supergirl's may well be water.
Vulnerable Supergirl
Still, if she fell in the water, it would be er... super?
Still, if she fell in the water, it would be er... super?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Delicate Problem Of Ralph's Big D***
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife but after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite, make that very, concerned. He was having problems dressing, sitting and even walking, so, he and his wife eventually went to see a prominent urologist.
After an examination, during which the doctor only mumbled gravely to himself, the doctor eventually explained to them that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
Ralph became quite, make that very, concerned. He was having problems dressing, sitting and even walking, so, he and his wife eventually went to see a prominent urologist.
After an examination, during which the doctor only mumbled gravely to himself, the doctor eventually explained to them that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph have to be on crutches?"
the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"
responded the surprised doctor. The wife looked at him, wide-eyed and said:
"Well, you're gonna have to lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Pest Exterminator
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from Bugs B-Gone, a pest-control company. One afternoon they were seriously getting it on in the bedroom, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick,"
hissed the woman to her lover
"...into the closet!"
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious when he saw a pair of men's shoes that weren't his, poking out from under the bed. After a rapid search of the bedroom, he discovered the man in the closet.
"Who the hell are you?"
the husband asked the lover.
"I-I-I'm the inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
said the exterminator.
"Well, what the f*** are you doing in my cupboard?"
the husband angrily demanded.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
the man from Bugs B-Gone replied. Looking him up and down, the husband said:
"So where are your clothes?"
The man looked down at himself and said:
"Those little bastards!"
"Quick,"
hissed the woman to her lover
"...into the closet!"
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious when he saw a pair of men's shoes that weren't his, poking out from under the bed. After a rapid search of the bedroom, he discovered the man in the closet.
"Who the hell are you?"
the husband asked the lover.
"I-I-I'm the inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
said the exterminator.
"Well, what the f*** are you doing in my cupboard?"
the husband angrily demanded.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
the man from Bugs B-Gone replied. Looking him up and down, the husband said:
"So where are your clothes?"
The man looked down at himself and said:
"Those little bastards!"
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Bacon & Eggs
Hmmm, with bacon like that, I may just have to go looking for her eggs and then invite her to roll around in a fry-pan with me.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Horny Old Lady
This joke is ridiculous, offensive and hardly likely to be judged funny by anyone. Nevertheless, I'm publishing it because it does provide a fascinating image - one that may stay with you for a long time.
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and always has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says:
"For God`s sake, Edna, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're really starting to look like an asshole!"
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and always has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says:
"For God`s sake, Edna, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're really starting to look like an asshole!"
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Oops! Glutton Finger
So, Christmas and New Year are over and now you have to face the grim reality of 2009. Statistically speaking, this is probably a picture of both you and me!
Oops! Glutton FingerMonday, January 5, 2009
Bill & The Pickle Slicer
I first heard this joke many years ago but when it was sent to me, I couldn't help but share it with you, even if it is ancient.
Bill had been happily employed in a pickle factory for a number of years but one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion:
"I've got a terrible urge to stick my cock into the pickle slicer. Not just a little bit, I really want to jam it in!"
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?"
she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I really had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't! Did you?"
she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did."
he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Friday, January 2, 2009
Google Meets Dr. Evil
Most of us love Google but there are some amongst us who consider Google's task "to organize the world's information" to be inherently evil.
Google Meets Dr. EvilPerhaps we should judge them by the company they keep.
I'm feeling lucky,
I'm feeling lucky,
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