Inflation

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curl up on the floor, eyes staring widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless, unfulfilled desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she rummages in the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him:

"Here, take this and go to that slut next door, She'll let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't even think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and quickly disappears down the stairs. A few minutes later, she hears his heavy feet coming up the stairs. He hands the fifty back to her and says with much disappointment:

"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger:

"Damn that b*tch! When she was pregnant..."

Andrew Goulding

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Weird Rock'n'Roll Suburban Party

WTF is going on there?

Is it just a Sunday afternoon family gathering overtaken by jungle music or is it something more ominous altogether?

"Dad, put them back on and then go and take your medicine!"

Weird Rock'n'Roll Suburban Party


Andrew Goulding

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Some Times You Just Have To Kiss A Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring:

'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you,'

says the cabbie. The nun says:

'My boy, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get the chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

So the cabbie says:

'Well, 'I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me. '

The nun replies:

'If I was my Mother superior, I'd tell you to go wash your mouth out with soap but since I'm not and you're a bit of a looker, a ladies man, obviously..."

The cabbie says:

'Oh, I've had hundreds of women but that's only because I've never kissed a nun. If I did, I promise, I'd never look at another woman. My soul would be at peace.'

So the nun looks at him and says:

'I see. Well, if that's the case, you need to answer me one question. Now, be honest, are you s-i-n-g-l-e?'

The cabbie's almost going crazy with excitement.

'Yes, I'm single...and I'm a Catholic, too, if that will help!'

The nun looks to Heaven and makes the sign of the cross.:

'O.K., if it will lighten your load and save you from all those hussies. Pull into the next alley.'

They park and the nun gives him a big, sloppy, passionate tongue-kiss but slaps his wandering hands away and they get back on the road. After a minute or two, she notices the cabbie silently crying. The nun says:

'My dear child, why the misty eyes?'

The cabbie begins to blubber:

'Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinned. I lied! I must confess or my soul will be in Eternal torment- I'm married and - I'm a Methodist.'

The nun looks at him compassionately and says:

'That's O.K. Lying is a sin, a disease, a terrible burden for you to bear in Life but I suppose, the sin of Omission is almost as bad. You see, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party.'

Andrew Goulding

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Beverly Hills Pauper

This recession is biting deep, so spare a thought for the poor folk in Beverly Hills, where some of them are having to walk around in rags.

Beverly Hills Pauper


Andrew Goulding

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Hell's Angel Granny

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels, so she heads on over with some scones and a flask of tea and knocks on their clubhouse door with her brolly. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms and breath reeking of stale alcohol, answers.

She looks up at him and proclaims:

"I want to join your club."

The guy looks at her - sensible shoes, thick stockings, long grey skirt, hair in a bun, glasses but decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. He asks:

"Do you have a chopper?"

The little old lady replies:

"F***-yeah! My baby's parked over there..."

and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. Impressed, the biker asks:

"Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies:

"Like a f***in' fish in the desert on a hot day! I' can drink any of you little piss-ant pansies under the table - any day!"

The biker then asks:

"Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies:

"Like a chimney, c*ck-su**er - at least 4 packs of Marlboro and three joints, e-v-e-r-y day. Maybe a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks:

"You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady looks him in the eye and then says with a smirk:

"Nope, can't say I have...but I've been swung round by my nipples a few times. I kinda like that! You wanna have a go?"

Andrew Goulding

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And They Lived Happily Ever After

These two were made for each other. They met by chance, instantaneously fell in love and after a whirlwind 24-hrs, got married in Las Vegas, as an Elvis-dressed celebrant crooned Love Me Tender.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Their children, as you might have guessed were beautiful - a girl, a boy and a snake they named Satan.

Andrew Goulding

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I Have The Worst Job Ever

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were in a bar, discussing their different types of employment. The cucumber said:

"I have the worst job ever! I just lie there, then I get chopped up, thrown into salads and eaten. No thanks, nothing. Munch, munch, I'm dead."

The pickle said:

"You think that's bad! I get put in jars of vinegar for weeks on end and then I get chopped up and put in hamburgers by some clown called Ronald. Then I get chewed up by some pimply, fat adolescent and slowly drown in grease and Diet Coke."

The penis said:

"You think that's bad? I get a rubber straightjacket rolled over my head, shoved in a cave, pulled out, shoved in again for God knows how long, until I'm so sick, that I puke. Then I have to do it again!"

Andrew Goulding

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Beware Of The Quackodile!

Please don't feed the quackodile. It's dangerous!

Beware Of The Quackodile!

Andrew Goulding

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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. During the ad-break, I turned to her and said:

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No!"

she barked at me - things haven't been great in the boudoir, lately. After a few seconds, I said:

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply staring at the ads, snapping:

"Yes, arse-hole!"

so I said:

"Then I'd like to phone a friend."

...And that's when the fight started...

Andrew Goulding

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Global Banker's Mime Of the Financial Crisis

When words just can't express what you really feel, show it with your body! In this picture, one of the world's top bankers enacts what's happening at this moment, across the world, in the global economic downturn.

Global Banker's Mime Of the Financial Crisis

Lesson:

Life's a bitch, unless you're rich!

Andrew Goulding

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And Then The Fight Started # 3

My wife was standing nude, looking at herself in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me:

"I feel horrible! I look fat, old - ugly - my boobs are all droopy. God, where did I get those wrinkles from? I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I looked her up and down and then just said:

"Jesus H. Christ! Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

Andrew Goulding

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A Remote Control That Works

I seldom allow Cynicism to be part of this blog but this poster for a remote control device that usually works is, well, fairly accurate.

Remote Control That Works

That's not, of course to imply, in any way, that they had remained closed before meeting the ring bearer!

Andrew Goulding

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Great Stand-up Lines # 1

"My new girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on each of her inner thighs. I swear when I put my ears there, I can smell the sea."

Andrew Goulding

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Cuddly Pillow Boyfriend

If you've been single for too long, don't despair, you can get an instant boyfriend with this cuddly pillow (available in 3 colors).

Cuddly Pillow Boyfriend


Andrew Goulding

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Soup Or Sex?

An old, loving couple had been happily married for 75 passionate years but for her husband's 95th birthday, his wife decided to surprise him by hiring a cute, young hooker who could offer him sensual delights that she no longer could.

Seeing the cab with the hooker arrive, the old lady excused herself to go to the corner store, and soon enough, the doorbell rang. Shuffling along slowly with his his walker, the old man finally got to the door and opened it.

A 21-year-old blonde in a tight latex outfit and a push-up bra smiled and him and said:

"Hi, I'm Sally, I'm here to give you some super sex!"

The old man looks at her boobs, then up at her face, then back to her boobs and said:

"My wife will be back any moment, I'll just take the soup."

Andrew Goulding

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