Megan Fox Interviews A Red Indian Chief

Megan Fox

American model and actress, Megan Fox, was fronting a special for National Geographic, interviewing an American Indian chief. She asked him the significance of the varied number of feathers in Red Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners..."

...the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued:

"Him? One woman, only one feather. Him?"

...pointing to a second, older man:

"Three women, three feathers."

Megan looked at the Chief's headdress, slightly terrified:

"But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest.

"Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, Megan scolded:

"That's disgusting! You ought to be hung!"

The Chief, not quite understanding her admonishment merely said:

"Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, crafty like long grass snake. Get into places you never thought possible."

Insulted, Megan snapped:

"You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied:

"Hoss-style, doggy-style, wolf-style, any style - all the same for chief. I bang woman for honor of tribe and satisfaction of the crooning coyote!"

Megan cried:

"Oh, dear!"

"No deer..."

said the Chief.

"...Arse too high, run too fast...but you, Megan Fox, you lookin' just right!"

Andrew Goulding

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My Change Of Career

There are many reasons why a middle-aged man might want to suddenly change career. In my case, I decided upon teaching because I felt that I could truly give something precious to the younger generation.

I''m not starry-eyed about it, though. I realize that there will be times when Discipline will need to be enforced, especially for students who continually step out of line.

However, I'm prepared to bear that burden - and let me assure you - done right, perhaps needing detention or after-hours tutoring, you only receive Love in return.

One Of My Naughty Students


Andrew Goulding

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Putting The Spark Back In The Frankensteins' Love-life

O.K., I'll admit it, I don't particularly like this joke but the concept is pretty bizarre, so I thought I'd give it a go.

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a standstill in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work at the graveyard, eat his dinner of cadaver and 3 veg., and sit in front of the television set watching re-runs of The Munsters & The Addams Family until he fell asleep.

Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.

"He's never in...the mood..."

complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner."

suggested the therapist. The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face:

"He's still wasn'tin the mood. He just ignored me!"

she complained.

"This time, try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into your boudoir."

said the therapist. The Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said:

"This is a very difficult case. I can only suggest that you somehow try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance!"

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face.:

"Oh, thank you so much..."

she said to the therapist.

"...Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of theat terrible lightning storm and right there, in our private graveyard, he made love to me, passionately, like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightning storm put him in the mood?"

asked the therapist.

"Well, of course,"

said the Bride of Frankenstein,

"With all that lightning, he was ready to make love to me, mere moments after I tied our honeymoon kite to his beautiful, green dick."

Andrew Goulding

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KISS Pandas

As China becomes tainted by the decadent West...

KISS Pandas

What more can I say?

Andrew Goulding

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The Exploding Orgasm Lexicon Part 1

You can't say this blog isn't educational. Here are some neologisms to spice up your everyday conversations. I'm sure you'll use them with discretion:

Sex while broke = Poor-gasms

Sex in a supermarket shopping trolley = Store-gasms

Sex with an ex vice president of the USA while claiming to have invented the internet = (Al) Gore-gasms

Andrew Goulding

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Men's Fantasy Towels

Wow, with towel's like these, I'd be jumping out of bed to go for a shower every morning!

Men's Fantasy Towels

Hmm. Maybe I'd have a shower at lunchtime, then before dinner and certainly before bed.

Zzzzzzzzz.

Andrew Goulding

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The Maid's Payrise

The gorgeous eighteen year old, Latino maid was in the process of demanding from her forty-something lady of the house a 100% pay raise with an extra day off every week. The lady, who was becoming very perturbed by the young girl's insolence asked:

"Maria, what makes you think you can get a 100% increase after working here for just two weeks?"

"Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron so much better than you."

said the girl. The Madam glared and said:

"Who said you iron better than me?"

The girl smiled back at her and said:

"The Master said so."

The madam dismissed it, saying:

"Oh, well, I wasn't brought up to do menial chores."

The girl continued:

"The second reason is that I am a much better cook than you."

Slightly indignant, the madam sneered:

"And who said you were a better cook than I?"

The girl smiled back at her and said:

"The Master did, madam. He said my coq au vin was incredible."

The madam sneered:

"Well, he would, wouldn't he. He's just a glorified peasant."

"My third reason is that I am told that I'm a much better lover than you."

Indignantly, the madam roared:

"Did the Master tell you to say that as well, the slimy little bastard?"

The girl looked at her open-eyed and said innocently:

"No Madam, the chauffeur, the gardener...and the nanny did."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!

Andrew Goulding

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Rock'n'Roll Cat

I don't often venture into the saccharine world of "CUTE" but this rockin' pussy certainly got me headbangin'!

Rock'n'Roll Cat


Andrew Goulding

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The Eternal Search

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide, so I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless, so I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. Unfortunately, she was a bit too ambitious - she divorced me and took everything I owned.

So, here I am, considerably older and a lot wiser now and I've finally got it all together - I know exactly what I want. I'm searching for a pleasant, pretty, even-tempered girl who looks great in a miniskirt and swallows.

Andrew Goulding

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The Divorce Party Cake

How romantic! A cake for your divorce.

The Divorce Party Cake

Don't you dare say you haven't been warned!

Andrew Goulding

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Country Life & Language

Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm. He races into the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad:

"Hey Granddad, the bull is f***ing the cow."

Granddad berates Johnny, telling him that he won't tolerate this sort of playground language on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him about such things he should say something like:

"Granddad, the bull is surprising the cow."

A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm. Once again he comes racing in and yells:

"Granddad the bull is surprising the cows."

Granddad says to Johnny:

"I'm pleased to hear that after my conversation with you a few weeks ago you have cleaned up your language. However, your grammar is not quite there yet. You see, it is not 'the bull is surprising the cows", it is 'the bull is surprising the cow'. The bull can only surprise one cow at a time".

Johnny replies:

"No Granddad, the bull is surprising ALL the cows because he's really going for it, f**king the goddam holy s*it out of the ram!"

Andrew Goulding

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eBay Table For Sale

Here's a photo that was found on eBay, with someone advertising their fancy table for sale.

"That's not particularly funny!"

...you've probably muttered to yourself.

Hmmm. Look more closely. Who's taking the photo?

Need another hint?

Look in the mirror.

eBay Table For Sale


Andrew Goulding

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The Bull Fighting Special

After his day's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious - looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter:

"Tell me, g-a-r-c-o-n, what is that you just served?"

The waiter, slightly irritated at being thought to be French, nevertheless, smiled and replied:

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste! That is our bull-fighting special and those are B-B-Q'd balls of the unlucky toro, the bull who died this morning while the crowd cheered the victorious matador. It is a Spanish delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said:

"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me the bull's balls, pronto!"

The waiter replied:

"I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to be able to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned and the waiter quickly made his way over and said:

"The bullfight has just finished. Would you like to order the special for tonight?

The Americas tourist remembered their conversation and said:

"Sure, B-B-Q those bulls balls for me - I'll be there."

That evening, he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called to the waiter and said:

"These are really excellent, the garlic, the tomato, perfect but I have to say, these balls are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday! What gives? Am I being screwed with?"

The waiter replied with a smirk:

"Si, senor, in a way! You see, sometimes the bull, he wins!"

Andrew Goulding

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Naughty Girlfriend

She says that her boyfriend's wife hates her.

Now, why would that be?

Naughty Girlfriend


Andrew Goulding

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Involuntary Muscular Contractions

Apparently this is a true story:

A professor at the University of Minnesota was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contractions to his first year medical students. As the murmurs grew and more and more students could be seen playing with their mobile phones and communication devices, he, realizing it was not the most riveting subject, decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He picked out a young woman in the back row who always wore push-up bras and garish make-up - a look that he didn't particularly take to. Her term papers proved she was a naturally smart girl who, unfortunately, delighted in distracting her male peers with sniggers, winks and almost suggestive behavior.

The professor said:

"Excuse me, miss, I feel free in asking you this question as you undoubtedly have vast experience in these matters. Have you any idea what your ass-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

As the room came to a hush and all eyes turned to her, she thought for a moment and then, smirkingly replied:

'Oh, probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

Andrew Goulding

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No Trespassing

Now, the question is:

Would door-to-door Mormons, Jehovah's Witness etc. be deterred?

No Trespassing Sign

My guess is that they wouldn't.

Andrew Goulding

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