Whoops!

I'd been planning this fishing trip for two months. No phone, no wife, no mouth - just me and Nature for two whole days. Saturday morning I got up around 4.30, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out - into a torrential downpour!

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I decided to wait and see but fell asleep and only awoke at 7.00 - and if anything, the weather was worse.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered:

"The weather out there is terrible it's dangerous."

My loving wife of 7 years replied:

"Mmm, you're safe here, darling. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Andrew Goulding

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Employment Explained

Need I say more?

Employment Explained

Andrew Goulding

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Exploding Orgasm Lexicon # 3

Sex at a vampire movie = Horr-orgasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Ee-aw-gasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Andrew Goulding

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Taking A Peek At The Wedding Gifts

O.K., just a peek, then.

Taking A Peek At The Wedding Gifts

Andrew Goulding

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Two Drunks In A Bar # 1

Drunk 1: "After 10 years of marriage, my wife only lets me have sex with her about three times a year."

Drunk 2: "Same here, pal. As a matter of fact, if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open, I wouldn't be gettin' any at all!"

Andrew Goulding

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Wankers!

Don't you just hate wankers?

Wankers!

1. Does it count if a friend masturbates you?
2. What if there's an "S" missing at the beginning?
3. If they've given up masturbation, do you think they might have taken up fiddling, instead?

Andrew Goulding

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The Perils Of Playing Nude Golf

Two attractive women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward three men playing the next hole, hitting one of them. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

As the women ran towards them, the woman was horrified to see that they were all naked. Irrespective, she ran to the man to the man on the ground and immediately began to apologize:

"I'm so, so sorry. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know just how I can relieve your pain if you'll allow me."

she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes. That's what you get for playing nude golf with your buddies."

the man replied as his friends guffawed. However, he was obviously in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin and groaning. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes and he seemed to relax. She asked:

"How's that?"

He replied:

"It feels great, even better than that gorgeous hussy, Amy Struthers, fifty seven years ago - but I still think my thumb's broken."

Andrew Goulding

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Spot The Barf

Yes, someone in this team photograph isn't feeling great. Can you see which one?

Spot The Barf

Andrew Goulding

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The True Face Of Viagra

A middle-aged man gets his new prescription for Viagra and leaves work early to get home at the same time that his wife does and with Viagra taking an hour to kick in, the timing is just right. He calls her on the phone, and says:

"Baby, I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect!"

Well, an hour later, the man is r-e-a-d-y to go, but there's no sign of wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says:

"There's been an accident on the freeway, the traffic is terrible - the radio's saying that I won't be home for at least an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"What should I do? I'm stiff as a 16 year old first thing in the morning. "

he asks. Sympathetically, the doctor replies:

"It would be a shame to waste it. Do you still have that little Mexican minx of a housekeeper around?"

"Yes."

the man replied.

"Well, we're men of the world, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead - you've played around before. As long as you have safe sex, no-one need know."

says the Doctor. The man snaps back at him:

"What a friggin' waste of money! I don't need Viagra with her..."

Andrew Goulding

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Don't You Just Hate It When # 1

Well, they say that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover - but this poor newsreader must have had millions of viewers thinking that they had seen that suspected rapist somewhere - but they just couldn't remember exactly where.

Don't You Just Hate It When # 1

Andrew Goulding

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Sex Education

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in and asks:

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

After thinking about it for a moment the mother says:

"Well dear, when mommies and daddy fall in love, they get married and sometimes they go into their room and kiss and hug and have special cuddle called 'making love' that makes them feelreally nice and then they have a baby."

The child says:

"Is that sex - when the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina?"

The mother, realising her daughter knows a bit more than she had suspected, hastily agrees. The inquisitive child continues. The child replies:

"So why did I see you putting daddy's penis in your mouth - in the camcorder video?"

Horrified that her daughter had viewed her home-made porn that had been left in the camera accidentally, the woman said:

"No, no, no, that's not making love, darling, that's how mommy gets jewelry."

Andrew Goulding

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I Warn You, This Is A Little Gay

What's there to say? It's a little gay!

Andrew Goulding

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Exploding Orgasm Lexicon # 2

Sex in paddle boat = Oar-gasms

Sex with an accountant = Bore-gasms

Sex for hours and hours on end = Sore-gasms

Andrew Goulding

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A Funny Blood Donor Ad.

Advertising has proven time and time again that a pretty girl can sell a product and a pretty girl in minimal clothes sells even more. Well, try this one:

A Funny Blood Donor Ad.

Well, I don't know about you but I've got a rush of blood somewhere!

Andrew Goulding

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Surveys, Punctuality & Clothing Conversation Quoted

1 USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population!

2 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

3 What did the old ladies' bra say to the hat at the end of the party?
"You go on a-head, while I give these two hangers on a lift."

Andrew Goulding

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I'm Too Sexy For This Box

This too, could be yours if the price is right!

Andrew Goulding

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It's Started

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife:

"Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says:

"Get me another beer before it starts."

Irritated, she still fetches another beer and puts it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says:

"Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

By now the wife is furious. She yells at him:

"Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore. .."

The man groans and says:

"Oh no, it's started...."

Andrew Goulding

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