Here in Australia, we've just had our biggest ever lottery prize shared by two lucky winners.
Here's one of them, with his new fiancee.
Here's one of them, with his new fiancee.
He sure is lucky!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
The Pinocchio Story
I'm not even sure I think this joke is funny but I have to admit, it made me laugh.
Go figure!
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs sadly. He asks her why, and she replies:
"You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, you're sensitive, you're kind, you even like going shopping with me but every time we make love you give me splinters."
This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every single package of sandpaper that the store has in stock.
"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"
Pinocchio looks at Gepetto naughtily, saying:
"Girls? Who needs girls?"
Andrew Goulding
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Sunday, June 28, 2009
Mind Reading At Wimbledon
I think that Wimbledon has brought out the inner-psychic in me and I know exactly what ALL these people were thinking as this cutie returned to her seat.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
New Sexually Transmitted Diseases
This party animal had a big night at a seaside resort and didn't make it back to his hotel but instead, fell asleep on the beach. By the morning, the wind had blown sand all over him, until he was covered with only his (admittedly pretty large) big toe sticking out.
As bad luck would have it, an old nympho was walking down the beach for her early morning stroll and seeing the naked toe sticking up, unattended, quickly pulled down her bikini bottoms, pulled aside the wrinkled flabby flesh of her thighs and squatted over the toe, humping away until she was satisfied. Then she just as quicly, pulled up her drawers and left with a smile on her wrinkled face and a wiggle in her walk.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened but the next day his foot itched like hell,and had a sore on it, so he went to the doctor.
After a few hours of waiting for the tests to return, the doctor said to him:
"I'm very sorry but you have syphilis of the big toe."
"What? I've never heard of that!" said the man.
The doc replied:
"Well, every day is a challenge in Medicine. I know it's hard to believe but this morning I even had a woman in here with athlete's pussy!"
Andrew Goulding
Follow my various blogs easily via Twitter
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Premature Ejaculation
A guy goes to a fancy dress party as a Premature Ejaculation:
Premature Ejaculation
Andrew Goulding
Follow my various blogs easily via Twitter
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Toilet Seat Surprise
Well, my Christmas list has started and here is the very first must-have, what I call the "Toilet Seat Surprise".
Who knows what olfactory delights one will discover when one enters too quickly after someone else has done their business?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Yuppie In An Accident
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car:
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous..." retorted the officer. "...you're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous..." retorted the officer. "...you're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
Sunday, June 14, 2009
You Don't Bring Me Flowers
I don't know if you remember that old heartbreak song "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" about a couple that had grown apart and the fella had stopped bringing trinkets for his lady - and it looks like the end is near and their love is doomed.
You Don't Bring Me Flowers
Well, my old lady couldn't say that of me!
I regularly bring her treats, like these sausages that were on special. If she chooses to make more of it, that's her problem.
You Don't Bring Me Flowers: my versionSee, the old bat's thrilled to be with me. Yup, our marriage is strong and the good thing is, if I come home from work and she's dead and find that she hadn't cooked dinner, I can just throw her on the BBQ. 10 minutes later, problem solved.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
As with anything in Life, personal preference is everything and Beauty is, indeed, in the eye of the beholder.
To test your preferences, here are two pictures to compare. Now, think about it and ponder the possibilities - if one of these was your girlfriend, which one would you prefer?
A small buttor, on the other hand...
A big butt
I've chosen the first because she would cost less to feed.
What's your excuse?
What's your excuse?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
How Can You Tell That Your Wife's Dead?
N.B.: As told to me by a woman!
Q: How can you tell your wife's dead?
A: Well, though she moves the same amount as usual during sex, the house is getting dirty.
A: Well, though she moves the same amount as usual during sex, the house is getting dirty.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Birthday Cake From An Ex-Girlfriend
She was cute, sweet, always pleasant but something just wasn't right and so, unfortunately, we parted ways. True to form, she showed her class and still didn't forget my birthday, though...
Birthday Cake From An Ex-Girlfriend
You've got to admit, the girl had style!
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Italian, The Frenchman & The Englishman
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman Were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening. The Italian says:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest jasmine oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman says:
Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the rare midnight flower oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Englishman says:
"That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a margarine. I caressed her entire body with the it, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours!"
The Italian astonished, says:
"Two hours, phenomenal!"
While the Frenchman asks:
"How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
To which the Englishman replies:
"Oh, she saw me wiping my hands on the curtains."
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Naughty Monkey
What's that hairy ape doing on the beach, cavorting with those young ladies?
Goodness me, look where he's put that hand of his!
Naughty MonkeyWednesday, June 3, 2009
Who Really Likes You?
Latest research shows that only 80% of people who claim that you are their "friend", actually like you.
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