Lame Jokes Inc.

Choosing Your Own Name

2009-12-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone, so she slowly worked her way over to him:

"Hi handsome, my name's Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the two things I like most in Life - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He thought for just a moment and said:

"Bob Titsenass."

An Oldie But A Goodie # 412

2009-12-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a joke for the work Christmas party which you can tell to the straight-laced accountant who's having his first drink of the year. He/She'll probably find it hilarious!

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey:

"You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied:

"No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."

At this point, the accountant is meant to keel over with laughter.

Old Jewish Shenanigans

2009-11-28T03:54:00.000-08:00

Warning: racist joke - but its's cute!

A Jewish couple in their seventies went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked:

"What can I do for you?"

The man said:

"Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. Embarrassed, he looks away most of the time and when the couple finally finished, the doctor says gravely:

"There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse but I'm very sorry, I'm going to have to charge you $32 for the consultation."

"No problem - thank you so much!"

says the man. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked:

"Just what exactly are you and your good wife hoping to find out?"

The old man said:

"She's not my wife and we're not trying to find out anything.

She is married so we can't go to her house.

I am married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $60.00.

The Hilton charges $75.00.

We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office. You gotta admit, we're getting a bargain at $4"

Spot The Gay Guy At The Baseball

2009-11-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

Like, I'm not trying to pigeon-hole but really, in this picture, spot the gay guy at the baseball!

Spot The Gay Guy At The Baseball

Penises & Vaginas For Sale

2009-11-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

Warning: Possible mysoginistic comment. Ladies, feel free to change the genders of the joke in retelling.

A couple were going through a bad patch in their marriage and both had been having flings and affairs that had been discovered by their spouse. Battling to stay together, they both agreed to, at least, sleep in the marital bed every night. However, even that brought its problems.

One morning the wife woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream:

"I was at an auction for penises. The big ones cost about $1,000 and the tiny ones went for less than $10."

The husband said:

"What about one my size?"

His wife replies:

"Hmmm. That wouldn't even have got a bid!"

and then laughs to herself. Hurt, her husband decides that he wants revenge, so the next morning, he deliberately urinates on his wife's sleeping body. She wakes up in horror and screams loudly.

The husband tries to calm her down and says:

"No, no, it must have been that dream I had last night. I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight but juicy ones sold for $1,000 and the loose but dry ones were getting about $10."

His wife says:

"What about ones like mine?"

The husband giggles and says:

"Oh, that's where they held the auction! Sorry, I must have pissed myself laughing when I realized!"

I Want The Ugliest Hooker You Have.

2009-11-07T15:19:00.000-08:00

Warning: R-Rated content

A drunk, defeated-looking shell of an Englishman stumbles into a brothel in Amsterdam and slurringly says to the well-presented but slightly severe madam:

"I want the ugliest hooker you have! She's got to be fat with saggy tits down to her knees, stinky old cigarette breath and a twat that looks like a badly ripped out fireplace."

The madam says:

"You English are so kinky!"

The man spits back at her:

"Get fucked, you skinny Dutch Dyke..."

Suddenly the man stops and begins to whimper:

"I'm sorry, I'm just upset. I've been here for 6 weeks and it's my wedding anniversary today - I'm feeling so fucking homesick!"

3 Rather Harsh Quickies

2009-10-30T03:39:00.000-07:00

Q: What's warm and soft when you go to bed and hard and stiff in the morning?

A: Vomit!

Q: Why did the guy on the verge of getting a divorce buy his wife a coat and a dildo for her birthday?

A: He figured that if she didn't like the damn coat, she could go fuck herself!

Q: Mummy, mummy, why are you white and I am black?

A: Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party, you're lucky that you don't bark!

Photoshop Disasters # 1

2009-10-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Oh my God, what's happened to her index finger?

Photoshop Disasters # 1

The Ride 'Em Cowboy Position

2009-10-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

Two Texas romeos are having a beer, talking about various sex positions. The first man says that his favorite position is the "ride 'em, cowboy". The other man asks what the position is. The first replies:

"Well, get your wife on all fours and you slam into her, doggy style. Once she's she's really enjoyin' it and is grindin' back at you, you slap her ass real hard then lean forward and whisper in her ear :

'Goddam, you horny bitch - it must run in the family. Honey, your baby sister gets off on this way, too.' "

Then you try and hang on to that wild she-wolf for as long as you can while hoopin' and hollerin' at the top of your voice:

"Yahoo! Ride 'em, cowboy!"

What Is The Difference Between Guts And Balls?

2009-10-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls" but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, I've provided definitions of these words which may help you in your future life:

You can be said to have GUTS - when arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, you have the guts to ask her:

''Are you still cleaning - or are you about to fly off somewhere?''

You can be said to have BALLS - if when coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer with smeared lipstick on your collar and neck, you slap your grumpy wife on the ass and have the balls to say:

''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However, medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Ass Advertising # 5: Silky Soft

2009-10-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

More Ass Advertising:

Intimidating - yes!

A big seller for Silky Soft?

I don't think so!

Ass Advertising # 5: Silky Soft

Ass Advertising # 4: A Kodak Happy Moment

2009-09-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

Subtle?

No.

Gratuitous?

Yes.

Still, it's ass advertising, so who's complaining?

Ass Advertising # 4: A Kodak Happy Moment

Ass Advertising # 3: Career Choices

2009-09-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

WTF?

There are better ways to make a career, apparently!

Ass Advertising # 3: Career Choices

Ass Advertising # 2: My Number

2009-09-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, this particular Ass Advertisement is genuinely successful and I'm pretty sure that I'd tear off the ass advertiser's number, at the very least - if only to be polite!

Ass Advertising # 2: My Number

Hmmm, I might even remember to call.

Ass Advertising # 1: Booty Call

2009-09-16T15:14:00.001-07:00

The New York Health & Racquet Club's advertising certainly caught this blog's eye, as it heralded the first ASS ADVERTISING or Assvertising, as it's known in the trade, apparently! The Booty Call is, apparently a special class that they run for toning the buttocks.

Hmm. I would think that these two look like they need a good spanking - but that's something else, altogether!

Ass Advertising # 1: Booty Call

Skeleton Tattoo

2009-09-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

I think that he's got his clothes on inside out!

Skeleton Tattoo

And Then The Fight Started # 4

2009-09-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, my wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping through the channels. She asked:

"What's on TV?"

I said:

"Dust."

And then the fight started.

How To Become Popular

2009-09-03T04:01:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm sure there are lots of self-help books, DVDs and courses to help with an awkward young woman discover her social worth in this modern world but trust me, nothing will make a young lady more popular - more quickly, than wearing a t-shirt like this one.

How To Become Popular

Having A Whale Of A Time

2009-08-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.

Whilst perhaps not entirely correct in its presumptions about whale behavior, I don't expect this joke to derail the Save The Whale campaigns around the world!

Having A Whale Of A Time

Good Things About The Economic Downturn

2009-08-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, this poor waif has been hit hard by the economic downturn and her clothers are old and tattered.

Yee-haa!

Good Things About The Economic Downturn

N.B.: Click on the picture to see this derriere in its full glory!

2222 A.D. Swingers Of The Year Go To Mars

2009-08-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen, Earth's Swingers Of the Year land on Mars after winning the Las Vegas Grind-a-thon.

There, after winding down at the Mars Hilton with a few cocktails, they are introduced to the the winning Martian swingers couple and get talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks:

"Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "I got a real bad headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Damn! That's One Sexy Cheerleader

2009-08-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

I can't help it, I like the cheerleader type - young, healthy, flexible, g-r-r-r-r! And to think, it only takes less than $200 to make them look so gorgeous.

Damn! That's One Sexy Cheerleader

Tattoo Freak # 2

2009-08-06T15:47:00.001-07:00

My guess is that this side is more attractive than the other side!

Tattoo Freak # 2

Tattoo Freak # 1

2009-08-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

He must be psychic - he's got eyes in the back of his head!

Tattoo Freak # 1

Human Smurfs

2009-07-31T23:35:00.000-07:00

I guess that anybody who grew up in the 80s identified with The Smurfs. Here are three guys who've taken their Smurf-love to the obsessional level.

Human Smurfs

And here are some more human smurfs