Lame Jokes Inc.

Tattooed Camel Toe

2010-09-11T00:17:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, it's not what you think!

Tattooed Camel Toe

I told you it wasn't!

He Is Gay

2010-09-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

"I met a nice couple of God-fearin' boys today. Asked if they could have a picture taken with me. 'Was my pleasure."

Them's real nice kids.

Thing 1 Getting A Piece Of The Action

2010-08-26T03:00:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, I don't think that this might be appropriate for the kiddies. Hang on! It's the kiddy who's doing the weird stuff.

Uh-oh!

Hmmm, very strange.

The Best Dumb Blonde Joke Ever

2010-08-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not normally one for blonde jokes but I have to admit, this beautifully drawn cartoon is pretty damn good.

N.B.: it expands to be quite readable.

And for your sheer delight, here's another blonde joke.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

A: Scroll Down. --->

<----- Scroll Up.

Two More Squidoo Lenses For Your Pleasure

2010-08-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

I've updated another couple of my Squidoo lenses. The first is:

Strange & Wonderful Youtube Videos

the contents of which are pretty self-explanatory and the second:

Jokes Addict

is a selection of clean jokes that vary from the inane to the rather witty - stuff that doesn't belong here!

Douchebag

2010-07-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, looks around, eying a party-girl well past her used-by date and calls to the bartender:

"Hey you, Mr. Bartender, I'll have a triple whiskey on the rocks and while you're at it, get a drink for the miserable douchebag down there."

The bartender looks at him scatingly:

"Sir, that is a lady not a douchebag. You should show some respect."

The drunk says:

"Fine, Get the lady a drink then."

The bartender has a word with the woman, then fixes her a drink. The drunk then calls the bartender over and asks:

"Mr. Bartender, sir, what did the douchebag - I mean, l-a-d-y, order?"

The bartender looked at him apologetically and said:

"Oh, she just wanted a vinegar and water."

My Funny Video Pages

2010-07-01T03:34:00.000-07:00

You want funny videos mister, I give you good price. Ten for free. V-e-r-y funny - they make you laugh long time. Ha-ha.

See?

V-e-r-y funny!

Do You Like Beer Ads?

2010-06-26T01:45:00.000-07:00

While it's not strictly a joke, I've collected a number of my favorite beer ads at:

My Favorite Beer Ads 1 - 5 (G-rated)

My Favorite Beer Ads 6 - 10 (NRC-rated)

that are, at times, quite amusing. I hope that you like them.

Confucius Say: # 6

2010-03-20T23:29:00.000-07:00

# 1 Confucius say:

Man's wife his better half. Man's mistress his better hole.

# 2 Confucius say:

Lying Man who suck woman's tit, for once make clean breast of things.

# 3 Confucius say:

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on same night after upsetting angry, ugly wife get good sleep but still wake up in deep shit.

Confucius say: # 5

2010-02-19T01:49:00.000-08:00

1 Confucius say: "First man to arrive at Early Ejaculation Therapy Group probably come early."

2 Confucius say: "It is good for girl to meet boy in park but better for boy to park meat in girl."

3 Confucius say: "Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus."

How To Go To The Toilet

2010-02-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

In case you need assistance:

How To Go To The Toilet

Grin And Bear It

2010-02-08T05:08:00.000-08:00

Rumor has it that last year there was an Alaskan hunter who, had bagged a couple of foxes and a moose but had no luck whatsoever in finding his ultimate catch, a grizzly bear. He had planned a two week stay and after 10 days, he was thinking he would have to miss out.

He was just snuggling down to sleep when he felt the flap of his tent open and heard a hungry animal grunt - it was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear said:

"I've been watching you for days, you've been hunting me - you want to kill me! For that I would generally kill YOU but I'm in a good mood, so I'll give you a choice:

Death or a vicious bear-fuck up your hot huntin' ass!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his big hairy butt. He lowered his pants and the bear soon went to work. A couple of hours later, the bear snuck back into the wilderness, while the hunter cried himself to sleep.

The next day, the hunter wanted revenge but the grizzly was nowhere to be seen - until the hunter was just about to go to sleep and he once more felt a rush of air, smelled that nauseating animal breath and heard the bear say:

Well Big Boy, you know the score. Do you want to die or....?"

Once more, the hunter slid down his his pants and within moments, the grizzly was pounding the hunter's big hairy ass, ignoring the man's painful moans for three hours, this time and then, once again, melting into the Alaskan wilderness.

The next day, the hunter was really really sore and though he could hardly walk, swore to God Almighty that he wouldn't just kill that bear, he'd capture it, torture it and then skin the bastard alive! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter and remained hidden from view for the whole day.

That evening, when, as you've no doubt guessed, the hunter felt the familiar gust of wind as his tent flap opened and then smelled that disgusting bear's breath, feeling its slobber on the back of his neck, he was surprised to hear the bear say:

"You're not just into this for the hunting any more, are you!

More Quickies

2010-02-03T23:32:00.001-08:00

Q: How do you count a herd of cattle?

A: With a cow-culator.

Q: What's the definition of a pessimist?

A: A pessimist is just a well-informed optimist.

Q What's green and look's like a bucket?

A: A green bucket?

Three Horny Guys Visiting Saudi Arabia

2010-01-23T21:33:00.000-08:00

So, there's these three horny guys visiting Saudi Arabia...

Of course, my lady would undoubtedly ask:

What were they doing in Saudi Arabia?
Were they on business or having a holiday?
How old are they? etc.

The moral - don't ever try to tell her a joke!

Three Horny Guys Visiting Saudi Arabia

A Selection Of Indian Jokes

2010-01-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

There's something delightfully childish about these jokes that I discovered on an Indian English-written joke site. They're probably just Indian versions of bad Western jokes but for some reason I find them funny!

Q: What’s 6 inch long, inside a guy’s pants and girls love to blow it?

A: A 1000 rupee currency note!

Sardar was having a check-up before starting a new job and had had his weight taken, his eyes checked etc. Then he was given a blood test but the doctor was called away and his finger kept bleeding and he started crying. Appalled, the pretty nurse put Sardar's finger in her mouth until it stopped bleeding.

Suddenly, Sardar looked at her check-list, jumped up and started dancing around the room, screaming:

Sardar: Thank you, God, thank you! Next is the urine test!

Two best-friend business men from Calcutta, executives for Coca Cola, were visiting Bombay and decided to treat themselves to the best call girl in the city. The went to the red light district and upon finding the most exclusive bordello, the first went in and came out an hour later, saying:

"Na my wife is better."

Then the second went in and came out two hours later, saying:

"You're right, your wife IS much better - and she likes it in the butt!"

A Rope And Two knots

2010-01-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks:

"What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers:

"Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies:

"Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks:

"What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again:

"Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies:

"Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps:

"Oh my goodness! What are those?"

"Honey, those're my knots!"

he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says:

"Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks:

"What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Eli's Jokes: Cowboy Earl & Betty

2010-01-02T03:40:00.000-08:00

Eli the accountant, with a naughty senior citizen joke.

Eli's Jokes: Cowboy Earl & Betty

Filthy 3D Joke Man

2009-12-31T08:02:00.000-08:00

Warning Utter Filth!

Filthy 3D Joke Man may be filthy but there's no denying, he's got his stand-up timing absolutely perfect. Fans of joke telling should watch/listen to this video to learn from a master - this is as good as it gets!

Filthy 3D Joke Man

The Recently-Deceased Cat

2009-12-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

Warning: Utterly corny

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the body of her recently-deceased and well-loved cat of 18 years. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver:

"I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said:

"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

Merry Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T13:27:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

Merry Christmas 2009

Anagrams The Can Change Your Life # 1

2009-12-22T16:18:00.000-08:00

Of course, this Christmas, everybody wants to know what the best anagram of:

"The Australian singer and actress Kylie Minogue"

is.

Kylie Minogue: Spinning Around

And the winner is:

"Great arse. Dismal talent. You shrieking nuisance!"

The Thing That I Hate About Homosexuals The Most

2009-12-21T16:04:00.000-08:00

In a democracy, if you feel strongly about something, you have every right to tell the world about it!

Choosing Your Own Name

2009-12-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone, so she slowly worked her way over to him:

"Hi handsome, my name's Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the two things I like most in Life - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He thought for just a moment and said:

"Bob Titsenass."

An Oldie But A Goodie # 412

2009-12-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a joke for the work Christmas party which you can tell to the straight-laced accountant who's having his first drink of the year. He/She'll probably find it hilarious!

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey:

"You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied:

"No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."

At this point, the accountant is meant to keel over with laughter.

Old Jewish Shenanigans

2009-11-28T03:54:00.000-08:00

Warning: racist joke - but its's cute!

A Jewish couple in their seventies went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked:

"What can I do for you?"

The man said:

"Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. Embarrassed, he looks away most of the time and when the couple finally finished, the doctor says gravely:

"There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse but I'm very sorry, I'm going to have to charge you $32 for the consultation."

"No problem - thank you so much!"

says the man. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked:

"Just what exactly are you and your good wife hoping to find out?"

The old man said:

"She's not my wife and we're not trying to find out anything.

She is married so we can't go to her house.

I am married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $60.00.

The Hilton charges $75.00.

We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office. You gotta admit, we're getting a bargain at $4"

Spot The Gay Guy At The Baseball

2009-11-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

Like, I'm not trying to pigeon-hole but really, in this picture, spot the gay guy at the baseball!

Spot The Gay Guy At The Baseball

Penises & Vaginas For Sale

2009-11-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

Warning: Possible mysoginistic comment. Ladies, feel free to change the genders of the joke in retelling.

A couple were going through a bad patch in their marriage and both had been having flings and affairs that had been discovered by their spouse. Battling to stay together, they both agreed to, at least, sleep in the marital bed every night. However, even that brought its problems.

One morning the wife woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream:

"I was at an auction for penises. The big ones cost about $1,000 and the tiny ones went for less than $10."

The husband said:

"What about one my size?"

His wife replies:

"Hmmm. That wouldn't even have got a bid!"

and then laughs to herself. Hurt, her husband decides that he wants revenge, so the next morning, he deliberately urinates on his wife's sleeping body. She wakes up in horror and screams loudly.

The husband tries to calm her down and says:

"No, no, it must have been that dream I had last night. I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight but juicy ones sold for $1,000 and the loose but dry ones were getting about $10."

His wife says:

"What about ones like mine?"

The husband giggles and says:

"Oh, that's where they held the auction! Sorry, I must have pissed myself laughing when I realized!"

I Want The Ugliest Hooker You Have.

2009-11-07T15:19:00.000-08:00

Warning: R-Rated content

A drunk, defeated-looking shell of an Englishman stumbles into a brothel in Amsterdam and slurringly says to the well-presented but slightly severe madam:

"I want the ugliest hooker you have! She's got to be fat with saggy tits down to her knees, stinky old cigarette breath and a twat that looks like a badly ripped out fireplace."

The madam says:

"You English are so kinky!"

The man spits back at her:

"Get fucked, you skinny Dutch Dyke..."

Suddenly the man stops and begins to whimper:

"I'm sorry, I'm just upset. I've been here for 6 weeks and it's my wedding anniversary today - I'm feeling so fucking homesick!"

3 Rather Harsh Quickies

2009-10-30T03:39:00.000-07:00

Q: What's warm and soft when you go to bed and hard and stiff in the morning?

A: Vomit!

Q: Why did the guy on the verge of getting a divorce buy his wife a coat and a dildo for her birthday?

A: He figured that if she didn't like the damn coat, she could go fuck herself!

Q: Mummy, mummy, why are you white and I am black?

A: Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party, you're lucky that you don't bark!

Photoshop Disasters # 1

2009-10-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Oh my God, what's happened to her index finger?

Photoshop Disasters # 1

The Ride 'Em Cowboy Position

2009-10-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

Two Texas romeos are having a beer, talking about various sex positions. The first man says that his favorite position is the "ride 'em, cowboy". The other man asks what the position is. The first replies:

"Well, get your wife on all fours and you slam into her, doggy style. Once she's she's really enjoyin' it and is grindin' back at you, you slap her ass real hard then lean forward and whisper in her ear :

'Goddam, you horny bitch - it must run in the family. Honey, your baby sister gets off on this way, too.' "

Then you try and hang on to that wild she-wolf for as long as you can while hoopin' and hollerin' at the top of your voice:

"Yahoo! Ride 'em, cowboy!"

What Is The Difference Between Guts And Balls?

2009-10-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls" but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, I've provided definitions of these words which may help you in your future life:

You can be said to have GUTS - when arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, you have the guts to ask her:

''Are you still cleaning - or are you about to fly off somewhere?''

You can be said to have BALLS - if when coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer with smeared lipstick on your collar and neck, you slap your grumpy wife on the ass and have the balls to say:

''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However, medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Ass Advertising # 5: Silky Soft

2009-10-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

More Ass Advertising:

Intimidating - yes!

A big seller for Silky Soft?

I don't think so!

Ass Advertising # 5: Silky Soft

Ass Advertising # 4: A Kodak Happy Moment

2009-09-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

Subtle?

No.

Gratuitous?

Yes.

Still, it's ass advertising, so who's complaining?

Ass Advertising # 4: A Kodak Happy Moment

Ass Advertising # 3: Career Choices

2009-09-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

WTF?

There are better ways to make a career, apparently!

Ass Advertising # 3: Career Choices

Ass Advertising # 2: My Number

2009-09-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, this particular Ass Advertisement is genuinely successful and I'm pretty sure that I'd tear off the ass advertiser's number, at the very least - if only to be polite!

Ass Advertising # 2: My Number

Hmmm, I might even remember to call.

Ass Advertising # 1: Booty Call

2009-09-16T15:14:00.001-07:00

The New York Health & Racquet Club's advertising certainly caught this blog's eye, as it heralded the first ASS ADVERTISING or Assvertising, as it's known in the trade, apparently! The Booty Call is, apparently a special class that they run for toning the buttocks.

Hmm. I would think that these two look like they need a good spanking - but that's something else, altogether!

Ass Advertising # 1: Booty Call

Skeleton Tattoo

2009-09-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

I think that he's got his clothes on inside out!

Skeleton Tattoo

And Then The Fight Started # 4

2009-09-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, my wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping through the channels. She asked:

"What's on TV?"

I said:

"Dust."

And then the fight started.

How To Become Popular

2009-09-03T04:01:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm sure there are lots of self-help books, DVDs and courses to help with an awkward young woman discover her social worth in this modern world but trust me, nothing will make a young lady more popular - more quickly, than wearing a t-shirt like this one.

How To Become Popular

Having A Whale Of A Time

2009-08-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.

Whilst perhaps not entirely correct in its presumptions about whale behavior, I don't expect this joke to derail the Save The Whale campaigns around the world!

Having A Whale Of A Time

Good Things About The Economic Downturn

2009-08-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, this poor waif has been hit hard by the economic downturn and her clothers are old and tattered.

Yee-haa!

Good Things About The Economic Downturn

N.B.: Click on the picture to see this derriere in its full glory!

2222 A.D. Swingers Of The Year Go To Mars

2009-08-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen, Earth's Swingers Of the Year land on Mars after winning the Las Vegas Grind-a-thon.

There, after winding down at the Mars Hilton with a few cocktails, they are introduced to the the winning Martian swingers couple and get talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks:

"Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "I got a real bad headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Damn! That's One Sexy Cheerleader

2009-08-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

I can't help it, I like the cheerleader type - young, healthy, flexible, g-r-r-r-r! And to think, it only takes less than $200 to make them look so gorgeous.

Damn! That's One Sexy Cheerleader

Tattoo Freak # 2

2009-08-06T15:47:00.001-07:00

My guess is that this side is more attractive than the other side!

Tattoo Freak # 2

Tattoo Freak # 1

2009-08-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

He must be psychic - he's got eyes in the back of his head!

Tattoo Freak # 1

Human Smurfs

2009-07-31T23:35:00.000-07:00

I guess that anybody who grew up in the 80s identified with The Smurfs. Here are three guys who've taken their Smurf-love to the obsessional level.

Human Smurfs

And here are some more human smurfs

Girls Night Out

2009-07-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

Two women friends went out for a Girls Night Out and went a bit overboard on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said:

"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "

That's nothing," said the other.

"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of the boys at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!'"

The Amazing Watermelon Brothers

2009-07-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

While Juan is a 3-watermelon balancer, younger brother, Salvador, a part-time accountant student, is a little less flamboyant and only balances two. Says Salvador:

"Juan ees my brother and my hero. Eet ees an honor to be standeeng next to him weeth our watermelons. One day, I hope to be as great as he ees."

The Amazing Watermelon Brothers

Frog Love

2009-07-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

A red-blooded frog telephones the Lonely Hearts Psychic Hotline and is told by Esmerelda, his $5.95 per minute psychic:

"You are going to meet a beautiful, horny, teenage co-ed, who will want to know everything about you - the real inside - and she will eventually end up touching your heart."

The frog says:

"Fan-friggin'-tastic, Esmerelda! Will I meet her at a party, a restaurant, an orgy or what - and when?"

Esmerelda replies:

"Oh Froggy, you will meet her at college. Yes, I can see it quite clearly now - next semester, yes, next semester, during her anatomy class."

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Deranged Woman Shocks Country Cows

2009-07-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'll show you milky fun bags!

Deranged Woman Shocks Country Cows

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Confucius say: # 4

2009-07-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Confucius say: Man who run through airport turnstile velly fast must be going to Bangkok
Confucius say: Tall man who smoke reefer standing on airplane toilet seat very high on pot
Confucius say: Woman who even slightly mentally unstable and fly upside down have crack up

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An Unsuccessful Day At the Office

2009-07-20T00:14:00.000-07:00

What?

Nobody wanted a hug?

All day?

I just don't get it!

An Unsuccessful Day At the Office

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2 Horny Dwarfs

2009-07-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

A not very well off dwarf wins the $121 million state lottery and he decides to splash out. He calls his best friend (another dwarf) and they take the first flight down to Vegas.

Throwing a hundred thousand around on the crap tables, they soon gather a few admirers, in particular, two gorgeous, mini-skirted girls of easy virtue. The four of them soon retire to the 2-bedroom penthouse suite for a night of champagne, cocaine and general debauchery.

Unfortunately, despite the charms of his new lady friend, the first dwarf, is unable to get a hard-on. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of:

"Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" and the squeaking of bed-springs all night long.

In the morning, once the girls have gone, the second dwarf asks the first:

"How did it go?"

The first mutters:

"It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get it up."

The second dwarf shook his head:

"You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the f***ing bed!"

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Myspace Nightmare

2009-07-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

So, I found this this chick on Myspace via her profile and things were going well until she emailed me her full picture.

Uh-oh!

Aaaaah!

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What a Big Fag!

2009-07-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

You can't try to convince me of anything else - this guy really is, let's not beat around the bush - just a big fag!

What a Big Fag!

Andrew Goulding

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Ski Season Dirty Dreams

2009-07-05T03:45:00.000-07:00

Here in Australia, it's the ski season, so I thought I'd share a ski joke with y'all, c/o Dirty (who's not really so dirty) Eli.

Ski Season Dirty Dreams

Andrew Goulding

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Barbie-Q-Chicken

2009-07-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, I'm feeling a bit hungry. I think I might just have have some Barbie-Q-Chicken tonight.

Barbie-Q-Chicken

Mmmm. Better than finger lickin' good.

Andrew Goulding

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Lucky Lottery Winner

2009-06-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

Here in Australia, we've just had our biggest ever lottery prize shared by two lucky winners.

Here's one of them, with his new fiancee.

He sure is lucky!

Andrew Goulding

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The Pinocchio Story

2009-06-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure I think this joke is funny but I have to admit, it made me laugh.

Go figure!

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs sadly. He asks her why, and she replies:

"You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, you're sensitive, you're kind, you even like going shopping with me but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every single package of sandpaper that the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

Pinocchio looks at Gepetto naughtily, saying:

"Girls? Who needs girls?"

Andrew Goulding

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Mind Reading At Wimbledon

2009-06-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

I think that Wimbledon has brought out the inner-psychic in me and I know exactly what ALL these people were thinking as this cutie returned to her seat.

Mind Reading At Wimbledon

Andrew Goulding

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New Sexually Transmitted Diseases

2009-06-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

This party animal had a big night at a seaside resort and didn't make it back to his hotel but instead, fell asleep on the beach. By the morning, the wind had blown sand all over him, until he was covered with only his (admittedly pretty large) big toe sticking out.

As bad luck would have it, an old nympho was walking down the beach for her early morning stroll and seeing the naked toe sticking up, unattended, quickly pulled down her bikini bottoms, pulled aside the wrinkled flabby flesh of her thighs and squatted over the toe, humping away until she was satisfied. Then she just as quicly, pulled up her drawers and left with a smile on her wrinkled face and a wiggle in her walk.

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened but the next day his foot itched like hell,and had a sore on it, so he went to the doctor.

After a few hours of waiting for the tests to return, the doctor said to him:

"I'm very sorry but you have syphilis of the big toe."

"What? I've never heard of that!" said the man.

The doc replied:

"Well, every day is a challenge in Medicine. I know it's hard to believe but this morning I even had a woman in here with athlete's pussy!"

Andrew Goulding

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I Love That Ad!

2009-06-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

I dunno, that ad just kinda gets to me.

I Love That Ad!

Andrew Goulding

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Premature Ejaculation

2009-06-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

A guy goes to a fancy dress party as a Premature Ejaculation:

Premature Ejaculation

Andrew Goulding

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Toilet Seat Surprise

2009-06-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well, my Christmas list has started and here is the very first must-have, what I call the "Toilet Seat Surprise".

Who knows what olfactory delights one will discover when one enters too quickly after someone else has done their business?

Toilet Seat Surprise

Andrew Goulding

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Yuppie In An Accident

2009-06-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car:

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous..." retorted the officer. "...you're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

Andrew Goulding

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You Don't Bring Me Flowers

2009-06-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you remember that old heartbreak song "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" about a couple that had grown apart and the fella had stopped bringing trinkets for his lady - and it looks like the end is near and their love is doomed.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

Well, my old lady couldn't say that of me!

I regularly bring her treats, like these sausages that were on special. If she chooses to make more of it, that's her problem.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers: my version

See, the old bat's thrilled to be with me. Yup, our marriage is strong and the good thing is, if I come home from work and she's dead and find that she hadn't cooked dinner, I can just throw her on the BBQ. 10 minutes later, problem solved.

Andrew Goulding

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Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

2009-06-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

As with anything in Life, personal preference is everything and Beauty is, indeed, in the eye of the beholder.

To test your preferences, here are two pictures to compare. Now, think about it and ponder the possibilities - if one of these was your girlfriend, which one would you prefer?

A small butt

or, on the other hand...

A big butt

I've chosen the first because she would cost less to feed.

What's your excuse?

Andrew Goulding

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How Can You Tell That Your Wife's Dead?

2009-06-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

N.B.: As told to me by a woman!

Q: How can you tell your wife's dead?

A: Well, though she moves the same amount as usual during sex, the house is getting dirty.

Andrew Goulding

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Birthday Cake From An Ex-Girlfriend

2009-06-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

She was cute, sweet, always pleasant but something just wasn't right and so, unfortunately, we parted ways. True to form, she showed her class and still didn't forget my birthday, though...

Birthday Cake From An Ex-Girlfriend

You've got to admit, the girl had style!

Andrew Goulding

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The Italian, The Frenchman & The Englishman

2009-06-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman Were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening. The Italian says:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest jasmine oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says:

Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the rare midnight flower oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Englishman says:

"That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a margarine. I caressed her entire body with the it, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours!"

The Italian astonished, says:

"Two hours, phenomenal!"

While the Frenchman asks:

"How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

To which the Englishman replies:

"Oh, she saw me wiping my hands on the curtains."

Andrew Goulding

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Naughty Monkey

2009-06-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

What's that hairy ape doing on the beach, cavorting with those young ladies?

Goodness me, look where he's put that hand of his!

Naughty Monkey

He's so naughty. By the end of the day, I'm sure somebody's going to be spanking the monkey!

Andrew Goulding

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Who Really Likes You?

2009-06-03T04:02:00.000-07:00

Latest research shows that only 80% of people who claim that you are their "friend", actually like you.

Who Really Likes You?

Andrew Goulding

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Whoops!

2009-05-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

I'd been planning this fishing trip for two months. No phone, no wife, no mouth - just me and Nature for two whole days. Saturday morning I got up around 4.30, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out - into a torrential downpour!

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I decided to wait and see but fell asleep and only awoke at 7.00 - and if anything, the weather was worse.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered:

"The weather out there is terrible it's dangerous."

My loving wife of 7 years replied:

"Mmm, you're safe here, darling. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Andrew Goulding

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Employment Explained

2009-05-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

Need I say more?

Employment Explained

Andrew Goulding

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Exploding Orgasm Lexicon # 3

2009-05-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Sex at a vampire movie = Horr-orgasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Ee-aw-gasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Andrew Goulding

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Taking A Peek At The Wedding Gifts

2009-05-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

O.K., just a peek, then.

Taking A Peek At The Wedding Gifts

Andrew Goulding

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Two Drunks In A Bar # 1

2009-05-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

Drunk 1: "After 10 years of marriage, my wife only lets me have sex with her about three times a year."

Drunk 2: "Same here, pal. As a matter of fact, if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open, I wouldn't be gettin' any at all!"

Andrew Goulding

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Wankers!

2009-05-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate wankers?

Wankers!

Does it count if a friend masturbates you?
What if there's an "S" missing at the beginning?
If they've given up masturbation, do you think they might have taken up fiddling, instead?

Andrew Goulding

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The Perils Of Playing Nude Golf

2009-05-19T00:40:00.000-07:00

Two attractive women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward three men playing the next hole, hitting one of them. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

As the women ran towards them, the woman was horrified to see that they were all naked. Irrespective, she ran to the man to the man on the ground and immediately began to apologize:

"I'm so, so sorry. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know just how I can relieve your pain if you'll allow me."

she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes. That's what you get for playing nude golf with your buddies."

the man replied as his friends guffawed. However, he was obviously in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin and groaning. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes and he seemed to relax. She asked:

"How's that?"

He replied:

"It feels great, even better than that gorgeous hussy, Amy Struthers, fifty seven years ago - but I still think my thumb's broken."

Andrew Goulding

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Spot The Barf

2009-05-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, someone in this team photograph isn't feeling great. Can you see which one?

Spot The Barf

Andrew Goulding

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The True Face Of Viagra

2009-05-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

A middle-aged man gets his new prescription for Viagra and leaves work early to get home at the same time that his wife does and with Viagra taking an hour to kick in, the timing is just right. He calls her on the phone, and says:

"Baby, I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect!"

Well, an hour later, the man is r-e-a-d-y to go, but there's no sign of wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says:

"There's been an accident on the freeway, the traffic is terrible - the radio's saying that I won't be home for at least an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"What should I do? I'm stiff as a 16 year old first thing in the morning. "

he asks. Sympathetically, the doctor replies:

"It would be a shame to waste it. Do you still have that little Mexican minx of a housekeeper around?"

"Yes."

the man replied.

"Well, we're men of the world, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead - you've played around before. As long as you have safe sex, no-one need know."

says the Doctor. The man snaps back at him:

"What a friggin' waste of money! I don't need Viagra with her..."

Andrew Goulding

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Don't You Just Hate It When # 1

2009-05-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

Well, they say that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover - but this poor newsreader must have had millions of viewers thinking that they had seen that suspected rapist somewhere - but they just couldn't remember exactly where.

Don't You Just Hate It When # 1

Andrew Goulding

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Sex Education

2009-05-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in and asks:

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

After thinking about it for a moment the mother says:

"Well dear, when mommies and daddy fall in love, they get married and sometimes they go into their room and kiss and hug and have special cuddle called 'making love' that makes them feelreally nice and then they have a baby."

The child says:

"Is that sex - when the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina?"

The mother, realising her daughter knows a bit more than she had suspected, hastily agrees. The inquisitive child continues. The child replies:

"So why did I see you putting daddy's penis in your mouth - in the camcorder video?"

Horrified that her daughter had viewed her home-made porn that had been left in the camera accidentally, the woman said:

"No, no, no, that's not making love, darling, that's how mommy gets jewelry."

Andrew Goulding

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I Warn You, This Is A Little Gay

2009-05-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

What's there to say? It's a little gay!

Andrew Goulding

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Exploding Orgasm Lexicon # 2

2009-05-08T14:35:00.000-07:00

Sex in paddle boat = Oar-gasms

Sex with an accountant = Bore-gasms

Sex for hours and hours on end = Sore-gasms

Andrew Goulding

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A Funny Blood Donor Ad.

2009-05-07T14:23:00.001-07:00

Advertising has proven time and time again that a pretty girl can sell a product and a pretty girl in minimal clothes sells even more. Well, try this one:

A Funny Blood Donor Ad.

Well, I don't know about you but I've got a rush of blood somewhere!

Andrew Goulding

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Surveys, Punctuality & Clothing Conversation Quoted

2009-05-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

1 USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population!

2 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

3 What did the old ladies' bra say to the hat at the end of the party?
"You go on a-head, while I give these two hangers on a lift."

Andrew Goulding

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I'm Too Sexy For This Box

2009-05-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

This too, could be yours if the price is right!

Andrew Goulding

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It's Started

2009-05-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife:

"Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says:

"Get me another beer before it starts."

Irritated, she still fetches another beer and puts it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says:

"Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

By now the wife is furious. She yells at him:

"Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore. .."

The man groans and says:

"Oh no, it's started...."

Andrew Goulding

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Skier Huntin' Season

2009-04-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

And now, the news that American ski resorts have been hiding for years - that rednecks often go up north on skier huntin' trips to bag themselves some yuppie trophies.

Skier Huntin' Season

Yee-haa!!!

Andrew Goulding

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Math Problem: Counting Past 2

2009-04-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

1, 2 ...

...What comes next?

Math Problem: Counting Past 2

Andrew Goulding

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Viagra & Hunger

2009-04-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

Tina asks her husband:

"Brett, would you like some eggs and bacon, maybe some orange juice or coffee?"

Brett doesn't seem particularly interested:

"Thanks for asking, babe, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra - it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asks Brett:

"Honey, would you like anything for lunch - a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, a cheese sandwich, maybe?"

He declines.

"Sorry, baby, it's the Viagra - it really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she's getting concerned. She asks him:

"Sweetheart, how can I tempt you?
Would you like some succulent salmon and scrumptious apple pie?
Cheese and crackers?
Or maybe order in some Chinese?"

Brett declines again.

"No thanks, darling, it's the Viagra, Food is the last thing that's on my mind."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up for a few minutes? I'm starving."

Andrew Goulding

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Fat Belly

2009-04-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

While this snap may not appear particularly funny, study it and you may work out why I think it is.

Fat Belly

I like the subtitles. Does she think we're blind?

Frankly, a 180 degree flip for "Fat Ass" would have been even funnier!

Andrew Goulding

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Doctor Knows Best

2009-04-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if this is a joke or not but the situation is almost believable!

A beautiful girl makes an appointment to have a physical . When she gets to the office she asks to see the doctor and asks him to do a pregnancy test as well. He asks her if she's had unprotected sex and she admits that she has.

When the exam and pregnancy teat are done she gets dressed and sits in his office to get the results. The doctor comes in and says:

You are in perfect health - not STDs and you are not pregnant.

The girl jumps up and hugs him, then says:

"I have a stupid question to ask you, Doctor. Can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

Still holding her, the doctor looks her in the eye and says:

"That's not a stupid question at all. Do you like anal sex?"

She blushes and nods saying:

"I love it."

He says:

"Well, unfortunately you can get pregnant from anal sex as well as catch all sorts of diseases, unless the man really knows what he's doing..."

She says:

"But who will know just what to do?"

The doctor smiles, slides his hand down to her ass and says:

"A doctor would."

Andrew Goulding

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Feeling Dirty?

2009-04-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

Feeling dirty?

Well, you'd better have a cold shower, then.

My Bath-time Friends

Who're they?

Just my bath-time friends - beats playing with a rubber duck!

Andrew Goulding

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Scene From A French Art Movie

2009-04-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in, freshly showered, looking at her svelte figure, sensual but homely in her bath-robe, topped off by her pink Bugs Bunny slippers. They had not made love for months - he wanted her. Suddenly she turned from the stove to look him in the eye and said:

"You 'ave got to make l-o-v-e to me at zis very moment! You 'ave to!"

His eyes lit up and he thought:

"Sank you Lord, zis ees my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then ripping open her bathrobe, ravaged her, giving her every inch of his love - right there, on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said:

"Sank you, you bastard."

and returned to the stove. Moments later, they were eating breakfast as if nothing had happened, back in their suburban, non-communicative hell.

The day passed moodily as days tend to in French arty movies and when they were going to sleep that evening, having spent the day more than a little puzzled at their sudden, passionate love-making session, he asked her:

"Zis morning. What was zat all about?"

She sighed:

"Yes, zis morning, zat was a long time ago. Ze 2-minute egg timer - eet was broken."

Andrew Goulding

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Ice Creams In Japan

2009-04-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, them Crazy Japs have a marketing winner on/in their hands with this one. Mind you, the little girl seems a bit quizzical about Mommy's appetite.

Japanese Ice Cream

I hope Mommy eats it all up, it's good for her. Maybe she'll end up having the second one, as well.

Hey, I just guessed her husband's name, it's Dick.

Andrew Goulding

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"How long before I can get a haircut?"

2009-04-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

There are two variations of this joke that I've seen and there may well be more. In the other one that I've seen, I guy goes into a chemist to buy some KY jelly.

Anyway, this is the other version:

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks:

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says:

"About 2 hours."

The guy leaves, grinning. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks:

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says:

"About 3 hours."

The guy leaves with a yelp of excitement. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks:

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says:

"About an hour and a half."

The guy runs off, cheering. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says:

"He's a nut. Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks:

"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says:

"Your house."

Andrew Goulding

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Playboy For Blind People

2009-04-12T15:29:00.000-07:00

Even blind guys (and blind lesbians) need to have some fun.

Playboy For Blind Guys

Andrew Goulding

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